Tuesday 19 May 2009

Showing My Pants

Whilst shopping with my parents and aunt, in their local supermarket last week, I bought half a dozen pairs of pants, paying for them at the till in the clothing section, instead of putting them on the conveyor belt with my food shopping, where they would have been on display for all to see.

After we'd all come through the checkout and paid for our other shopping, I walked through the first set of exit doors, with my relations, but the alarm went off, which resulted in the young security man quickly appearing behind us, to ask if anyone had bought any clothing. I replied that I had, automatically holding open my carrier, so that he could see what was inside. My aunt and father pretended that they didn't know me from Adam, whilst my mother instantly leapt to me defence. 'She's paid for them' my mother said, quickly.

The young lad, who couldn't have been above 20 years of age, replied 'Yes, I can see that, it's just that I don't want anyone to go home with security tags on their clothes.' He shrank back somewhat, when he saw that I had a bag full of undergarments, so I delved into the carrier and pulled out the receipt. He thanked me and initialled the receipt, explaining that the shop assistant must have forgotten to scan one of the bar codes.

'I'm upset, now,' I said solemnly, to my aunt and parents, 'because the young security chap's seen my pants!' We regarded each other for a split second, before we all roared with laughter, then, once my aunt had donned her rainhat, she took advantage of the rain slowing down a little and set off for the bus stop. I stood, with my parents, just inside the second set of exit doors, for a few minutes longer, as my mother insisted that my father should put on his raincoat and his cap, before we left the store. When we stepped outside, we could see that my aunt hadn't yet reached the bus stop, because she had stopped to talk to one of the other security men, whom she knew.

'I'm just saying how you had to show your knickers, before you could get out of the supermarket', she called, giggling, as we approached.

The security man threw back his head, guffawed loudly and shouted to me 'Yeah, show me your knickers!'

I was very close to doing as I was told, for a split second, but stopped myself just in time. After all, I didn't want this complete stranger imagining what I was wearing under my jeans the next time I was with my aunt and bumped into him! Feeling slightly embarrassed, I joined in with the laughter, ignoring the security man's second command for a peek at my newly purchased undergarments.

'She's not going to show me!' he said to my aunt, in a disappointed fashion, then, as he turned to go back into the store, he startled me considerably, by shouting to me 'I'll see your knickers, next time, then!'

Several bemused shoppers stared after me, as I hurried away, with my parents, my aunt and a bit of a red face!

I occaionally feel that I've wandered into some sort of parallel universe, when I shop in this supermarket. A lot of the staff are really friendly, but there is one young male shelf filler, aged about 18, who chats to my mother and aunt and likes to kiss the female customers on the cheek, whenever he gets the chance. He is, otherwise, very pleasant, but reminds me very much of the character PC Goody in the The Thin Blue Line, if anyone remembers the tv programme. He has, so far, managed to plant a smacker on my cheek, on 2 occasions. The first time I was unaware of his little habit, so he caught me by surprise and the second time I wasn't fast enough in getting out of his way!

Am I alone in finding the behaviour of some of the staff, in this store, a bit bewildering? Perhaps I'm just a bit of a prude and not much fun, but I can't imagine anything like this ever happening to me in the supermarket where I usually shop!

Would you have shown the second security man your new knickers? How would you feel if the young male shelf fillers at your local supermarket started stealing a kiss? Would your feelings depend upon how good looking they were? Do you feel that this sort of thing would enhance your shopping experience?

Wednesday 13 May 2009

What Men Mean

Firstly, I would like to apologise for my absence. I have a lot of family problems at the moment - more than those I mentioned a couple of posts ago, unfortunately. I have been too preoccupied to comment and too distracted to put a post together, so I hope you will excuse me. Anyway........

There just had to be a follow up to 'Shock Poll Reveals What Women Mean' didn't there? Women are not alone in saying one thing, when they may mean another. Men can often be guilty of the same sort of thing. I've compiled a list of the most common things a man might say, in bold, along with what he might mean in italics. This post is tongue-in-cheek. Please don't take it too seriously. I won't be held responsible for any divorce proceedings instigated as a result of reading this post. ;0)

Before Marriage:

Would you like to go for a drink after work? I think you're really hot and I want to have sex with you, as soon as you'll agree to it.

Do you want to stay at my place this weekend? Do you want to bonk me stupid this weekend?

Shall we go on holiday together this year? Do you want to bonk me stupid for a fortnight?

Will you marry me?
Will you have regular sex with me, until I get fed up of you and find someone younger?

After marriage:

Is your headache better darling? Are you well enough to have sex, yet?

Do you want any help in the kitchen? If I help in the kitchen, can we have sex later?

Let's have a cuddle. Let's have sex.

Of course I'm listening. I haven't been listening.

No I'm not lost. I'm lost.

You're wrong. It's essential that I'm right, so you must be wrong.

I can do it. I can't do it, but I would rather not do it than let you show/tell me how to do it.

All the men at work fancy Lisa. All the men at work fancy Lisa, including me.

I could give up drinking if I wanted to. I can't get through the day without alcohol.

It's far too hot in this room. Aren't you hot? It's too hot in this room. If you're not hot, there's something wrong with you. There couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me.

I've cut the grass. It's spring and I've cut the grass, so that's my bit of gardening done until the autumn, when I'll cut it once more. If you think it needs cutting in between, you'll have to do it yourself.

I haven't got time to finish this job in the house today. I'll do the rest next week. I'm never going to finish this job. If you want it finished, you'll have to do it, or get someone in.

Do you think that this DIY job looks OK? I know that this DIY job looks awful, but will you let me off the hook, because I can't be bothered to do it any better?

Yes, that dress looks great! That dress doesn't look too good on you, but I hate shopping and I want to get home in time to watch the rugby on tv.

There's nothing wrong with a man hiring a Harley Davidson at the age of 58, when he hasn't been on a motorbike for 33 years. Help! I'm having a midlife crisis.

Have you seen my car keys/screwdriver/mobile/wallet/brain? You've tidied away my car keys/screwdriver/mobile/wallet/brain. It's lost forever, my life is in ruins and it's all your fault.

I would like to point out that this information has been gathered from other women's experiences, or from my own experiences in previous (failed!) relationships. My own dearest darling husband is, of course, guilty of none of the above. Well, maybe just the odd one here and there .........

Anything you'd like to add from your own observations?