A Foolproof Guide To Repelling Girls

Warning To All Bloggers: Keep a bucket handy, whilst reading this post.


It's fair to say that I kissed a few frogs, in my teenage years, before meeting my prince, in my early 20s. During the extensive search for my other half, I learnt a few things about the male sex and their habits and it recently occurred to me that I could draw up a modern day list, for my 3 sons, which could help them to avoid a few of the common pitfalls, in their own search for true love. I thought that my advice might be better heeded, if I used the title above and presented it as below:


If you arrange to go out with a girl, do it well in advance and don't shower any later than 7 days before you're due to meet up.

If you cleaned your teeth after breakfast, don't clean them again, prior to meeting up with a girl in the evening, as this could neutralise the effects of the raw onion salad with garlic mayo, which you ate for lunch.

Whenever you go out with a girl, don't bother changing the clean clothes you put on 2 weeks' ago. They should be just rank enough for her to notice.

Always make sure that you pick something, if you're in the company of a girl, such as your nose, ears, teeth or scabs. In fact - pick everything. It's best.

Never go to the gents, if you have itchy unmentionables, whilst you are out with a girl. Instead, produce your gentleman's ball scratcher, (pictured above) with a flourish and proceed to push it down the front of your trousers, with unnecessary enthusiasm, accompanied by an ecstatic expression.

When in the pub with a girl, ensure that you overindulge to the extent that you

a) barf all over the bar, when ordering the next round or
b) pick a fight with the only chap in the pub who's built like a brick s**thouse or
c) forget which girl you came in with and go home with someone else.

It is possible to repel your girlfriend early on in your relationship, by showing her your collection of scabs, toe nail clippings, railway magazines, bus tickets, and Kit Kat wrappers.

If you're having a night in, with your girlfriend and she attempts to speak to you, only drag your eyes away from the Xbox for a nanosecond, because those aliens can tell when you're not concentrating, you know.

Mention 'putting out' as often as possible, when in conversation with your girlfriend. All girls need to know that characters like those appearing in American Pie and Superbad, were not fictitious and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, was not purely coincidental.

Always blow your nose with enthusiasm. Try to sound as if you're in danger of dispelling your brains out of your ears. Open up your man-sized tissue, afterwards, and carefully examine any debris. There's always a chance that you'll discover something you thought was lost forever.

Eat as much crap as possible, whenever you're with your girlfriend. Try donner kebabs, or chips with cheese and curry sauce. If that fails, dip anything and everything in Hellmann's mayo.

If you burp, whilst in the presence of your girlfriend, never excuse yourself, politely. In fact, make sure that you furnish her with far too much information by screwing up your face and following up with 'Ugh! That was a sick burp!'

Never break off a kiss, just because you feel the need to burp. You may need to think about that one, for a second or 2.

Never mince outside, or to the gents, if you feel the need to let one go, whilst with your girlfriend. Instead, raise one leg and one arse cheek, emit a loud trumpeting sound, laugh like a maniac and say something similar to 'Ah! Can you smell that?', or 'Aw, that was a wet one!' or 'Ugh, I think I've followed through!'




Follow these guidelines to the letter, if you want to live with mommy and daddy forever and ever and ever........

Changing Spots

I was re-arranging the throw on the sofa when I heard my middle son return home. "Hello, middle son" I replied to his greeting, as I concentrated on straightening the throw.

"Mom, this is Debbie" he said. I spun round and smiled at the pretty girl, with dark hair, standing shyly in the living room doorway. My suspicions were finally confirmed! I'd had a feeling that he'd been seeing someone special, over the past 2 or 3 weeks or so. His inane grinning over the same period of time, for no particular reason, had been a bit of a giveaway.

A conversation followed, during which it transpired that, Debbie was singing at St Martin's Church, nearby, that evening and middle son had paid £10 for a ticket, so that he could go and watch the performance. "We've picked up a vegetarian pizza, for tea" said middle son, pulling a bit of a face. Debbie couldn't see his expression, from her position standing beside him, both of them facing us. My husband and I exchanged smirks, as the pair of them headed into the kitchen.

Given the choice, our middle carnivore's favourite food would normally be ribs, steak, or mixed grill. Meat feast pizza was one of his favourites, but, as far as I knew, a slice of meat free had never passed his lips.

A while later, as middle son passed through the living room alone, I asked him whether he had enjoyed his first vegetarian pizza. "It wasn't bad, actually" he replied. I glanced at the clock, noticing that there wasn't much time left, for my son and his new girlfriend to get to the church.

"Do you know how to get to St Martin's church?" I asked, innocently, nudging my husband, as we sat side-by-side on the sofa.

"Yes thanks, mom" grinned my middle son, understanding the joke, but refusing to be drawn.

A short while after their departure, my husband looked out of the dining room window, onto our drive, and called to me in amazement. "They've walked!" Sure enough, middle son's car was standing on the drive. Since passing his test 3 years ago, middle son had only ever walked to the 'pub and back. Any other journey, which would normally take 2 minutes or more on foot, necessitated compulsory use of his car.

Several hours later, after an enjoyable evening, son and girlfriend had returned from their outing, and were settling down to watch a DVD in another room. Middle son passed through the living room alone, once more, on his way to make drinks in the kitchen. He was grinning inanely, again, for no particular reason. I raised my eyebrows, put my head on one side, and enquired with a little smile "Was there much fighting in the mosh pit, tonight, then?"