Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Body of Evidence

A recent comment made by sweet irene after my post of 15th March inspired me to write the following.

The charge against the defendant, Mean Mom, is that, whilst she feels no older than 25, there is a mounting body of evidence to suggest that she is, in truth, much older than she feels. The bare facts of the case against the defendant, Mean Mom, are as follows:

The defendant has to be home by 3.30pm from Monday to Friday, because Countdown has become compulsive viewing for her.

It is no longer necessary for the defendant to shave her legs, but she is considering shaving her face.

The defendant's t-shirts and sweaters have to be a size too big in order to hide her muffin top.

The adjective 'pert' can no longer be applied to any part of the defendant's body.

She has an overwhelming desire to sleep on the sofa, with her mouth open, after eating a meal.

She constantly tells her family, or anyone within hearing distance, that she cannot read this, or that, without her glasses.

She begins a lot of sentences with 'When I was your age', or 'When I was young'.

She reminds herself of her mother.

It is necessary for her to grasp a bottle of bleach between her knees and use both pairs of hands in order to loosen the cap.

The defendant never passes a public toilet, because she may be in dire need of one in 20 minutes' time.

If she is not in bed by midnight, she fears that she may turn into something shrunken and ugly. It appears that the defendant may have had a few late nights, already.

She has realised that music can be too loud.

The defendant spends the equivalent of an MP's allowance for his second home, on moisturiser for her legs, feet, hands and neck, but to no avail.

If she is not too hot, she is too cold.

She was forced to have her long straight hair cut off and styled, when young children consistently ran away from her in the street crying 'It's the wicked witch! Save us from the wicked witch!'

More than one cup of coffee per day gives the defendant palpitations.

She has to wear sensible, flat shoes, rather than fashionable high-heels, for any occasion requiring more from her than balancing precariously on the spot.

She has only recently found out what the initials 'LOL' mean and she had to ask her son.

Her sons cannot walk out locally with her in case they see any of their friends.

Her sons' friends do not speak to her, when she sees them in the street. It is common knowledge that her sons' friends are unable to recognise anyone over the age of 25, whilst outdoors, and in the presence of their peers.

Any woman sharing the defendant's first name remembers Frank Ifield, jam sandwiches and regular rainfall.

The defendant's camisoles and thongs bear an uncanny resemblance to thermal pants and vests.

The defendant will not leave the house without her umbrella, as she fears that she will surely perish from double pneumonia if the tiniest of raindrops dares to touch her head.

She will not leave the house without her sunglasses, as she fears that she will be stricken by sudden blindness and will develop wrinkles around her eyes, equalling the depth of large crevasses, if she fails to protect them from even the weakest of the sun's rays.

She will not leave the house without her gloves, as she fears that her hands will quickly bear resemblance to dried up dead leaves, if she neglects to wear her gloves on all but the hottest of days. There seems to be some evidence to suggest that the defendant is locking the stable door after the horse has bolted, with regard to this one.

The defendant prefers to wrap up warmly in knee-length coat, boots, gloves and scarf, whilst others wear little more than jeans and a t-shirt.

When the defendant crouches to reach the Complan from the bottom shelf in the chemist, she is unable to stand up again without assistance from a nice young man. When he heaves her to her feet, she thanks him and calls him 'young man'. She checks out his bottom as he runs towards the exit.

Members of the jury, you have listened to all of the evidence. The charge against the defendant, Mean Mom, is that of being older than she feels and, in fact, she has offered no evidence in her defence. What is your verdict? Guilty, or not guilty?


softinthehead said...

LMAO - do you know that one?! I would certainly hesitate to pass sentence for fear of incriminating myself!!!!

Sweet Irene said...

No, no, no. I meant that you felt older than you actually are! As if you had thrown in the towel before your time. I still think that, but I loved this post and I recognize myself in it in many ways. Don't you just love the way your knees treat you when you are crouched down to the bottom shelf?

Maggie May said...

Well, as I recognized all the symptoms of this "older lady" process & indeed suffer from everything listed there, I can pronounce us both GULITY M'lord!

That was a jolly good post!

Mean Mom said...

softinthehead, sweet irene and maggie may - Thanks for your comments and for making me smile just before I went out this morning. I walked into town with a smile on my face. My friends didn't recognise me!

softinthehead - Nooooo! I don't know what that one means, yet! Don't tell me. Don't tell me. I can find out! I'll have to come back.

sweet irene - I did realise what you meant. I hope that you are not worried that I misunderstood. I can take out the reference to you if you would rather. Your remark just set me thinking about all sorts of different, but related things and without your remark this post would not have sprung into my head.

It's reassuring to know that I am not the only one 'suffering' these things!

maggie may - It's good to be able to laugh about these things and poke fun at ourselves, I think. It helps us to put things in perspective.

Do you go around looking at young men's bottoms as well, then!!!???

Mean Mom said...

softinthehead - Got it! LOL! Isn't Google a wonderful thing? Blogging is a delight. I learn so much. LMAO!

Sweet Irene said...

No, by all means, leave it in. It gives the post the hook to hang it on. I am pleased you took up the subject. It makes for good discussion material, I think.

Dusty Spider said...

You mustn't believe the evidence!! Go with how you feel (and keep taking the tablets!!) Flick x

Mean Mom said...

sweet irene - OK. Will leave it in.
Glad you enjoyed it. Re the knees: they creak a bit and I struggle to maintain my dignity, whilst trying to stand up.

dusty spider - Agreed!

Mignon said...

OMG! Your blog is so right on! I can totally relate to your post. I am also a "Mean Mom". Thank You for the laughs.

Grit said...

oh dear! i have a mix of foresight and recognition... and it makes me wish i was 25 again!

and i had to look up both LMAO and muffin top... I am so unhip.

Can I use that word?

the mother of this lot said...

Guilty as charged!

Maggie May said...

Well of course I do ! I look straight at men's bottoms!

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

You are guilty as charged. And so am I. And long may we be.

Mean Mom said...

mignon - Thanks for calling by. I'm really glad that you liked the post.

grit - I suspect that you are a bit young to relate to most of this post! Don't get too depressed, it's a bit tongue in cheek - honest! Re unhip: I think youngsters tend to say 'lame', but I wouldn't recommend that you do the same. My lads almost die laughing if I try to use any modern 'slang'!!

mother of this lot - Even I think that I am guilty, in this case!

maggie may - LOL We should enjoy the few pleasures we have left! There is too much girlie giggling on my site. My husband wants to know what is going on and I am certainly not telling him!

wakeup - It's all OK as long as we can keep our sense of humour, I think!

Swearing Mother said...


Mean Mom said...

swearing mother - LOL! I was up all night trying to find that one. Now you are just taking the ****! I found it, but the birds were singing by the time I went to bed. A girl needs her beauty sleep, you know and so do I! I shall get my own back.

aims said...

ROFLMAO - and oh dear! The floor is hard!

I too look at their bottoms as they run away..and it's surprising that my hearing is still so good I can hear them saying 'Thank you Lord for letting me escape'!

A great great post! I recognized so many things unfortunately - so you are guilty!

Mean Mom said...

They know that we don't have a chance of catching them!

It looks as if I may be in for a spot of 'Community Service'. I seem to have been found guilty!

softinthehead said...

OK done some googling which caused a lot of giggling.

Mean Mom said...

aims - Just noticed, I forgot to address the comment re Community Service to you. You probably guessed it was intended as a reply to you, anyway.

softinthehead - I have a vague feeling you started off all the LOL etc. Now there is stuff appearing which, even you haven't heard of?!

aims said...

Caught it! :0)

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Great post yet again. I think that you are as young as the man you feel so the jury's out on this one!

farming-frenchstyle said...

Definitely not guilty.Lol - just found out what it means. Thongs - are they those cheese-wire knickers? Mobile phones - if only I could find my missed calls. Try meeting your kids with wellies and a hat! Meet mine once and she said "take your hat off mum. Said - the hair is worse that the hat, as she whipped off the said hat. Oh yes, put it back on then!" Don't you just love them?

Mean Mom said...

aims - Don't know what :0) means, yet!

MOB - Praise indeed from an excellent blogger. As old as the man you feel? My husband is older than me. Have you got a younger model, by any chance?

farming-frenchstyle - Yes, cheese wire knickers - yuk! Sorry to say, my mobile 'phone sits in the cupboard. When I am out, I like to be undisturbed, I'm afraid. We have an answerphone at home.

We all love our kids, but to quote 'That 70s show' (Sky tv) sometimes, 'only because we have to!!!'

Debra in France said...

Just fantastic!!! I resemble all those comments!! I am a mean mom too, well as I am not actually a mother, I will just have to be mean!

My friend and I had a very similar conversation last week. In our heads we are twenty one, but our bodies tell a different story. She had read an article saying that we should not have any mirrors in our houses. You get dressed in the money, look down at yourself and feel great in you favourite top and trousers. Then you look in the mirror and realise you look like a bag of spuds!!

mariedwithfour said...

Stumbled across your blog and when reading this brilliant post, was convinced one of my close friends had given you an indepth description of me! check out my blog if you have a minute http://marriedwithfour.wordpress.com I will add you to my blogroll regardless!

Mean Mom said...

debra in france - You are playing right into my hands. Try to read my post 'Magic Mirror' 25/9/07, if you have a few seconds to spare.

You've obviously bought the wrong mirror. They do vary, but I know what you mean. Sometimes I think I must be looking into someone else's mirror!

marriedwithfour - Glad you found me. I will call by as soon as I have washed my jumpers. Sometimes it can take a while to find the right people, when you are blogging. That's what I think, anyway. I wanted to find a few people 'to have a laugh' with, even though we can't be laughing all of the time, of course! It will be an honour if you add me to your blogroll!

Mean Mom said...

aims - Aah! :0) I see! Now I've got a crick in my neck!