Firstly, though, I would like to thank all of those guests who came to my last virtual party and entered into the spirit of it all so whole-heartedly. You were so entertaining and your comments were inspired!
Now, I would like to have a discussion with you about what sort of virtual party we should have, next time.
How about a Tupperware party? What? Why are you all groaning? The last one I went to, about 20 years ago, was most enjoyable. The demonstrator made a rice ring, which tasted delicious. We all bought one of the circular plastic moulds which she used to shape it and I sold mine, still unused, on a well-known auction site, only last week, for £0.99p plus p&p. Between us, at the party, we bought enough Tupperware for the hostess to earn her reward, which consisted of a collection of storage containers, 3 plastic beakers with lids, a spaghetti container and half a dozen ice lolly moulds.
At the end of the party, the demonstrator lunged at one of the guests, held her in a head lock, and pulled out her toe nails one by one, until she reluctantly agreed to book up a party of her own the following month. Awesome! Job done!
Oh, is that right? You can't buy Tupperware through party plan, now? That's a bit of a disappointment.
Right! How about a cheese and wine party, then? Traditional, but still quite popular, I believe. Sorry? That sounds good, but you don't fancy the cheese? Okay, a cheese and wine party, without the cheese. That's one possibility, then!
What do you think about a toga party? They are quite fashionable, with students, at the moment. We would have to dress up in Greek-style robes, wear holly on our heads and get very drunk, apparently. Right, so that sounds great, but you can't be bothered with the Greek-style robes or the holly? Well, it wouldn't be a toga party, then, would it? It would just be a party, where we all get very drunk! Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, okay, that's another possibility.
What about a tarts and vicars party? Hmmm! You're right. I don't have any potential vicars visiting my site. We could still dress up as tarts, though, right? Yay! That's another possibility, then.
How does everyone feel about a swingers party? No, you're right. Let's not go there.!
How about a pyjama party, then? What? Do none of you wear pyjamas? Okay, better not go there, either.
Perhaps we should consider something more modern. How about a rave? There is a green at the side of my house, which would probably be big enough for us. Most of us are taking tablets of some sort, already, so we wouldn't have to concern ourselves with that side of things. I quite like the thought of the party being outside, because, then, there wouldn't be any mess in the house, but what about the music? I don't think that electronic dance music would be suitable for us, so what shall we go for? I'm sorry? What did you say? Party music? Like what, exactly? Things like La Bamba, YMCA, Agadoo and Lambada? You can't be serious! You are? Yes, okay, sounds great!
Should we announce it on someone's social networking site, to make sure we get plenty of guests? Brilliant! I don't want any damage to my house, though. You know that there's often thousands of pounds worth of damage caused, at the venue, when a party is announced on the internet. We'll move into someone else's house, when it gets too cold, on the green? Awesome idea! I do have a neighbour of whom I'm not overly fond.
Now, what shall we do about food? Shall I do some sausage rolls and crisps? No, you'd rather put the money towards more alcohol? Okay, then, agreed!
It would be helpful if you could each make a voluntary contribution towards the cost of the alcohol. Please send a virtual postal order, for as much money as you can spare, to my virtual address. Alternatively, please send your virtual bank details, not forgetting your virtual pin number, to my virtual email address and I will virtually help myself to anything I need.
I think that's just about sorted, then. Please let me know if you have any queries, or requests. Your virtual invitation is below.
PLEASE COME TO A VIRTUAL PARTY
LOCATION: The green at the side of my house
and afterwards in the cells of the local police station
TIME: A virtual evening at the virtual weekend
FROM: Mean Mom
TARTY ATTIRE IS COMPULSORY
GUESTS SHOULD BRING THEIR OWN MEDICATION
Police transport will be provided between venues
NB This blog is tongue in cheek. I do not condone the taking of illegal drugs, the mixing of alcohol and drugs (illegal or otherwise), and I do not personally support rave culture. In fact, in real life, I am no fun, whatsoever.