Thursday, 15 January 2009

A Foolproof Guide To Blogging!

1. Don't start a blog, if your only reason for doing so is that you're hoping for a book deal. Generally, statistics show that there is less likelihood of this occurring than a cold day in hell.

2. If you are a miserable old bat, or a dirty old git and you want to interact with young, attractive members of the opposite sex on your blog, find a photo of someone sexy, young and desirable and put it in your profile. When swapping comments or emails with young, attractive bloggers of the opposite sex, bear in mind that they may have pulled a similar stunt.

3. When publishing your first ever post, don't assume that the world is waiting, with bated breath, to comment. If you want to interact, you first of all have to let people know that you exist.

4. If you have a secret blog, don't open your big mouth, whilst chatting to your nosey friends and say something along the lines of 'I wrote a post about that, on my blog, the other day.' The ensuing silence may be deafening and those you looked upon as friends, may spend the next 3 weeks, singlemindedly scouring blogland, in a quest to uncover your most intimate thoughts and desires.

5. Those who are aware of your blog, are more than likely to view your fellow bloggers as imaginary friends. Never mention them, or their exploits, in conversation. It's comparable to a schizophrenic mentioning the voices in his head and it will provoke a similar reaction.

6. Don't make your posts long and complicated. Very few bloggers want to read a tome. If they do, they will go to the library and borrow something penned by a real writer, such as Les Miserables (unabridged), War and Peace, or Lord of the Rings. At last, I think I know where I'm going wrong.

7. Don't publish anything that you would feel uncomfortable with dirty old Tom, dirty old Dick, or dirty old Harry viewing. Unfortunately, they have access to Blogland, too.

8. If you're not bothered about dirty old Tom, Dick or Harry, and you are desperate for a disproportionate amount of anonymous hits on your site, write something smutty, with plenty of appropriate labels.

9. Try not to weep inconsolably when you publish a new post and you don't have any comments within the first 10 minutes. Unlike you, other bloggers may have a life.

10. Try not to be a blog tart. If you comment indiscriminately on 100 sites, within 5 minutes, in an attempt to drastically increase your comment count, you have a much higher chance of accidentally encountering the Superbitch From Hell, or the Devil's Spawn. Discriminate!

11. Don't waste time pouring over Site Meter, wondering why one of your favourite bloggers visited without leaving a comment. She may have been abruptly dragged away by a family member to conjure up some sort of nourishment, or she may have been coaxed away by the gardener, to the potting shed, for a little afternoon delight. A male blogger could have been dragged off by his other half to do a little grouting, or could have fallen from his chair, when he received a surprise proposition from Kelly Brook - in his dreams, naturally.

12. Switch off your monitor, if any of your offspring are spying on your blog, over your shoulder. Even your finest post will sound remarkably lame, when read out with pompous attitude, by one of your mischievous munchkins.

13. When choosing between looking after house and garden and blogging, choose blogging until the neighbours gang up and complain to the council.

14. Never blog unless you should be doing something much more important. The resulting pangs of guilt can only be described as exquisite.

15. If you are short of blogging time, buy a laptop, so that you can multi task. You can then brown your mince with one hand, whilst typing with the other, or watch The One Show with your left eye, whilst reading posts with your right.

16. If you blog naked, never let on. Some people are surprisingly put off by the thought of this.

17. When blogging naked, at least wear your glasses. Tipping mistekes can be very annoying for the weader. I wish someone had warned me about this.

18. Don't risk posting or commenting, if you're too drunk to maintain an upright position on your blogging chair. You could suffer serious repercussions next day, when offended bloggers wreak their revenge.

19. Don't sleep until you've blogged. Sleep is easier to catch up with.

20. Last, but not least, get your priorities right! If you are really determined to be a top blogger, never let real life interfere with regular blogging!


auntiegwen said...

I loved this ! at the risk of TMI it is now 22 28, I have spent 12 hours at work, regular day plus year 10 parents evening, I am in bed, on laptop with large glass of red and no dinner, I spat out ( on my very expensive new 400 feckin count superduper finest egyptian cotton sheets that still cost me one of the kids and a kidney in the JL sale !!!) some of the aforesaid red when I read about the afternoon delight and the grouting !!!

I blog because no one in my house listens to me

softinthehead said...

Wonderful Mean Mom, I could relate to so many of those, but I particularly liked no. 5, it is sooo true but WTF - let's keep on blogging, I have never had so many friends LOL :)

Maggie May said...

Many a true word spoken in jest!
Another very funny post but definitely with hints of truth.
I am sitting naked and am half drunk and desperately needing that book deal.
My secret blog is in danger from every Tom, Dick & Harry and most of all by MY Harry! I am unable to sleep for blogging and I am in danger of having to give up my life to it......
Blimey....... how did you know all that about me?!

Dusty Spider said...

Ho ho a real gem! One question though. How on earth did you know that I blog in the nude, except for the glasses of course. Tried it without but couldn't be doing with all the smelling pistakes! Flick (only joking, don't want to frighten the spiders). xx

Mean Mom said...

auntie - For a second there I thought someone said something....

Seriously now, I sort of know what you mean, about no one listening to you. I tend to blog because my friends won't let me get a word in edgeways!

Parents evenings are a trial aren't they? I'm glad that you found the time for a glass of wine, anyway. There's something deliciously decadent about having no dinner, and drinking a glass of wine, in bed, whilst blogging. I must try it. Sorry about the sheets.

softie - Yes, as you've probably guessed, I've found no 5 to be true, from personal experience!

You're right of course. Blogging is great fun. I've certainly had some laughs out of it and this was my main aim. I wanted a few people I could have a laugh with and luckily I found some!

Maggie - Yes, you've got it! There's some truth in this post - well, most of it, in fact!

LOL! We should make that into a tag. Write your next post, naked, after downing a large bottle of wine! Oooh, scary thought!

If I had it within my power, I would arrange the book deal for you.

Bloggers have a lot in common, don't they?

Mean Mom said...

Dusty - I only suspected that you blogged naked, of course, but now you've confirmed it. It's no good backpedalling. You're not fooling anyone.

I think that we should all write at least one post naked and confess at the beginning. It would make me laugh, anyway, even if it didn't amuse anyone else.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

I blog whilst answering the phone on my 0800 sex line that I run from the vilage!

Great post and all very true.

Mean Mom said...

MOB - What a great idea! It would be the only way for most of us to get any money out of blogging! Just as well blogging is enormous fun. Don't get the 2 things confused, though, that would be just be too much fun!

Rose said...

LOL, Maggie May, good rules to remember:) I don't have to worry about #11 because I have no idea how to access the Site Meter!

When I first started blogging, an excellent writer gave some tips on her blog. #1, she said, is to post something every day. #2, always reply to comment. #3, visit people who leave comments. The only problem is that she never followed her own advice for #2&3. And if I tried to post every day and follow the other two rules, I'd never get anything else done!

I try not to mention my blogging friends to my children; they already think I'm about ready for the home:)

Mean Mom said...

Rose - I could never post every day and I can't keep up with those people I follow, who do post every day. I always reply to comments, but don't do quite as well with always visiting. It is difficult to keep up, isn't it? In fact I should be shopping, instead of blogging, at the moment.

My lads are also thinking ahead and occasionally mention the home!

Jennysmith said...

Damm, why didn't i think of that? Posting a picture of a lovely nubile girl and pretending its me. Seriously, i wish i had.

And somehow the thought of blogging naked in this weather and draughty house......

Great blog as ever. And very valid. Doing this blogging is great but incredibly time consuming. I've given up telling people about blogging, they either don't know what it is or they turn their nose up at it. But a couple of times i've let slip about my cyber mates. its very easy to confuse your two worlds.

have a good weekend xxx

Debra in France said...

Hiya, this was priceless! I wish this was on the start up bit when you decided to start blogging. I have occasionally written something about a very boring couple, only to have my husband tell me that perhaps I shouldn't have and what if 'they' read it. Personally I though f**k it and left it on the blog, 1. it's MY blog and I can write what I want, and 2. I don't think I've told them about the blog.

Deb said...

Too funny true! Very insightful! My children love to mock me if I mention any of my blogging friends, so I don't. People who don't blog, don't get it. Glad I stopped in for a visit -now I have to go and try to fold laundry with one hand while visiting the blogosphere. Take care.

Mean Mom said...

Jen - Well, I don't know, call me cynical, but I have a feeling that some of the profile pics I come across may not bear any resemblance to the blogger! I won't tell if you change your photo!

You're right blogging is time consuming. A couple of my friends ridiculed me for blogging, and, oddly enough, they are the 2, who would most enjoy and benefit from it.

Debra in France - Yes, I thought about asking blogger if they wanted to include it in their help files!

I sometimes get slightly concerned that I might be discovered. Strange things happen, sometimes. Boring? I suppose there's worse things people could be called than boring! You're right not to worry about it!

Deb - Yes, it's true, anyone who doesn't blog, doesn't get it. Some of my friends seem to think it's something like placing an advert in the lonely hearts column. I don't bother trying to explain any more. My lads mock me, but if they weren't mocking about blogging, they would be mocking me about something else!

Suburbia said...

Perfect!!! I can identify with every one of these, though I have to admit, I've never done it naked (my spelling has always been c**p!)

Mean Mom said...

Suburbia - I've got you all sussed, then, apparently! I used to be so good at spelling. I don't know what happened. I'm often stumped, now and have to use the dictionary. :0(

Robin said...

Mean Mom, do tell me, you are not imaginary, are you? (I always did love my imaginary friends the most.)

Is it also bad to comment on others blogs while drinking?

Mean Mom said...

Robin - I am most definitely real. (You know that you should never listen to the voices, though, right?)

Hmmm..... I've long had my suspicions that you had a bit of a problem with the old sauce. ;0)

See if you can't guess what I'm talking about.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Absolutely great. You have no idea how naive I was when I started last April, aged 68! But boy am I learning. It would be interesting to ask bloggers where blogging comes re priorities in life. Its good fun but number one, no way.

Mean Mom said...

Grumpy Old Ken - I assumed, in the beginning, that most people were blogging to have a bit of a laugh, express themselves and interact. It did come as a bit of a surprise, when I discovered that so many bloggers were hoping for the book deal. I was even more surprised to find out that quite a few of them were journalists.

I was very careful, in the beginning, to ensure that blogging didn't take over my life. Strangely enough, it's beginning to loom larger than I intended. Hmmm....

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Great post MM - like most of the others I can identify with a few of the points raised. Had no idea what to expect when I first began but love it now. The only thing I might change if I began again is my blog name. I think the dirty old Toms and friends think I may have something salacious in mind as I get the occasional pop-up asking if I would like to make contact! Or perhaps everyone does. However, I hasten to add, I just click out of it! And no, I do not blog naked - ever! To clarify, just in case you were wondering, my name was given to me by friends for a perfectly innocent reason!

A x

Grit said...

for some reason i keepbeing reminded of tony hancock and the radio amateurs. that, and how blogging is so much cheaper than a course with a therapist.

Mean Mom said...

Strawberry Jam Anne - I can't imagine what dirty old Tom, Dick and Harry have in mind, when they contact you. LOL!

OK, so presumably, the 'strawberry jam' bit is because you like eating it, or making it, not because you like smearing it behind your ears?

Grit - It's no good. You have to spell things out for me, you know. Are you thinking that we're all rather like bumbling amateur writers, who never actually achieve our aim? (Certainly not any of the bloggers I've come across, of course!)

Now this is more straightforward. It's good to get things off your chest sometimes, isn't it -especially to people who have no idea who you are!

aims said...

Lord Girl.

It never fails.

Need a bit of a lift? Go visit Mean Mom!

You've done it again of course. The only thing you didn't mention was the depressions left on your nipples after tipping for so long with them. I think I have permanent 'n' embedded in my right one.

Mean Mom said...

aims - Tipping with your nipples? There's a novelty!

A thousand welcomes! So glad I've achieved the impossible. I can only hope that you're finally on the up!

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Me again Mean Mom - haven't been visiting your blog for long but you always make me laugh so there is an award waiting for you to collect at my place. Hope you will accept. A x

Mean Mom said...

Strawberry Jam Anne - An award? I will have to think about whether to accept for a mere fraction of a second of course! OK, you've twisted my arm!

Mary said...

LOL! This is hilarious! I can seen why Strawberry Jam Anne loves this blog :-) I read a couple other posts and laughed over those, too. now I know where to come for a smile.

Working mum said...

Great list. Yes, the laptop has revolutionised my ability to blog whilst making the evening meal.

You forgot the one about mentioning your blog,then the stunned silence, followed by "What's a blog?" then when you explain, the funny looks as if you said you were an internet stalker of dubious intention!

Mean Mom said...

Mary - I'm glad that I've given you a bit of laugh! I can't promise that it will happen every time you visit, though, so I hope you won't be too much put off by that! Thanks for calling by.

Working Mum - Yes, I've had that reaction, too! At first they didn't understand what it was all about and then some of them looked down their noses at me. At least a couple of my older friends would love blogging, I know, but I'm not going to explain it fully to them, or help them set anything up, because then I might be discovered!

Robin said...

Mean Mom - I would not listen to the voices except they sing in perfect harmony.

Thanks for the translator, I was always surprised google did not have one.

Mean Mom said...

Robin - That's lucky then! Your voices sound like fun!

The Vintage Kitten said...

Very funny post! And no Im not naked while I write this comment....or am I? Ewww! LOL!

Gill - That British Woman said...

that is such a fun post, and I hate to admit it, most of it was so true.

I am without my laptop at the moment and I so miss it, as I used to work on my blog when watching tv. Oh I do hope my laptop comes back from dd soon.

Also thanks for the tip about blogging naked ;0)

Gill in Canada

Mean Mom said...

The Vintage Kitten - Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it! Hope you found your clothes.

Gill - I've got you bloggers down to a tee, haven't I? I wonder how I know these things. ;0)

I like to borrow my husband's laptop and blog whilst watching tv. It's so comfy! Yes, remember the glasses, at all times, really. Can save a lot of embarrassment.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

this is brilliant MM....inspiring and so true...great that youve bothered to actually tell it like it is..

Mean Mom said...

fat, frumpy and fifty - Thanks! It started out just as a joke, but then I realised that there was some truth in a lot of it!

Liz said...

Some womderful advice there. I sit here now thinking about the dinner I should be preparing or the ironing I should be doing or the trip to the shops I must make and I keep on blogging.

Mean Mom said...

Liz - Great, isn't it? Our computer is in the dining room and we have a kitchen/diner. I often blog, whilst I am cooking the tea. Tonight, I overcooked the pork chops and the new potatoes boiled dry. For a woman, I'm suprisingly useless at multitasking.