Thursday, 19 February 2009

A Foolproof Guide To Repelling Girls

Warning To All Bloggers: Keep a bucket handy, whilst reading this post.


It's fair to say that I kissed a few frogs, in my teenage years, before meeting my prince, in my early 20s. During the extensive search for my other half, I learnt a few things about the male sex and their habits and it recently occurred to me that I could draw up a modern day list, for my 3 sons, which could help them to avoid a few of the common pitfalls, in their own search for true love. I thought that my advice might be better heeded, if I used the title above and presented it as below:


If you arrange to go out with a girl, do it well in advance and don't shower any later than 7 days before you're due to meet up.

If you cleaned your teeth after breakfast, don't clean them again, prior to meeting up with a girl in the evening, as this could neutralise the effects of the raw onion salad with garlic mayo, which you ate for lunch.

Whenever you go out with a girl, don't bother changing the clean clothes you put on 2 weeks' ago. They should be just rank enough for her to notice.

Always make sure that you pick something, if you're in the company of a girl, such as your nose, ears, teeth or scabs. In fact - pick everything. It's best.

Never go to the gents, if you have itchy unmentionables, whilst you are out with a girl. Instead, produce your gentleman's ball scratcher, (pictured above) with a flourish and proceed to push it down the front of your trousers, with unnecessary enthusiasm, accompanied by an ecstatic expression.

When in the pub with a girl, ensure that you overindulge to the extent that you

a) barf all over the bar, when ordering the next round or
b) pick a fight with the only chap in the pub who's built like a brick s**thouse or
c) forget which girl you came in with and go home with someone else.

It is possible to repel your girlfriend early on in your relationship, by showing her your collection of scabs, toe nail clippings, railway magazines, bus tickets, and Kit Kat wrappers.

If you're having a night in, with your girlfriend and she attempts to speak to you, only drag your eyes away from the Xbox for a nanosecond, because those aliens can tell when you're not concentrating, you know.

Mention 'putting out' as often as possible, when in conversation with your girlfriend. All girls need to know that characters like those appearing in American Pie and Superbad, were not fictitious and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, was not purely coincidental.

Always blow your nose with enthusiasm. Try to sound as if you're in danger of dispelling your brains out of your ears. Open up your man-sized tissue, afterwards, and carefully examine any debris. There's always a chance that you'll discover something you thought was lost forever.

Eat as much crap as possible, whenever you're with your girlfriend. Try donner kebabs, or chips with cheese and curry sauce. If that fails, dip anything and everything in Hellmann's mayo.

If you burp, whilst in the presence of your girlfriend, never excuse yourself, politely. In fact, make sure that you furnish her with far too much information by screwing up your face and following up with 'Ugh! That was a sick burp!'

Never break off a kiss, just because you feel the need to burp. You may need to think about that one, for a second or 2.

Never mince outside, or to the gents, if you feel the need to let one go, whilst with your girlfriend. Instead, raise one leg and one arse cheek, emit a loud trumpeting sound, laugh like a maniac and say something similar to 'Ah! Can you smell that?', or 'Aw, that was a wet one!' or 'Ugh, I think I've followed through!'




Follow these guidelines to the letter, if you want to live with mommy and daddy forever and ever and ever........

51 comments:

Mud in the City said...

I think I may have dated your sons.

Thank you.

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

Errrrr....yep, I'd say that would do it, lol.
Hysterical post :)

Steady On
Reggie Girl

Maggie May said...

You know all their habits through and through! Why do they have to do all that? They are all the same!
Made a really hilarious post.

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

OMG - so true to life - what a scream! Great post MM. A x

auntiegwen said...

I have that young man in training. As he always says, he's so sexy and so gorgeous (in a very Scottish accent).

You forgot to mention the rule about telling the girl about not wanting to settle down, to see/screw as many girls as possible and never call afterwards

Mean Mom said...

Mud - A lot of this was based on, men I have come across, or read about, although I'm not with my sons 100% of the time, of course! They certainly RUN the shower and I don't think that they save their toe nail clippings, but you've set me thinking now.... Hmmm.....


Midlife - Well, this sort of thing certainly puts most women off!

Maggie May - Some men don't seem to have a clue, and there's no doubt that they encourage each other, when they all get together!

Fortunately, these traits don't usually appear all in the same man. Oh, I don't know though, that there was that chap I met when ......

Mean Mom said...

Strawberry - I dread to think how much things would deteriorate if the women weren't around to disapprove!


auntiegwen - We do our best to encourage good behaviour in the home and I suspect that all of our good work in undone, the minute they get together with their mates!

Yes, there's no doubt that a lot of boys/men have a completely different agenda to women!

Deb said...

Hi ~ I am going to send this post to my sons for them to read! Too funny but oh, so true!

Working mum said...

Eugh! I hope your sons noticed the heavy sarcasm in that list - do they have girlfriends?

Gentleman's ball scratcher - hysterical - I know what to get husband for his birthday now!

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

I have met the same frogs as you way back in the past, methinks!

Very funny, but oh so darn true as well! ;0)

Happy weekend!

ps may have posted this twice, sorry, blogger is playing up.....

Mean Mom said...

Deb - I hope that it's a hit with your sons!


Working Mum - This is the problem, isn't it? I think that the last sentence will give them a bit of a clue, however!

To be truthful, my eldest moved out last summer, to live with his girlfriend and their dog. Girlfriend hasn't sent him back, yet. Middle son has a girlfriend. Youngest is at uni and doesn't have a steady girlfriend. Maybe I can give him a few pointers, then, as to where he's going wrong!


Letty - Yes, some men certainly need some advice about how to behave! My first boyfriend was a decent chap, but his manners left a bit to be desired!

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Actually, now that I don't live with one anymore, your list made me realize all the more how disgusting men really are and so extremely self centered. I can very easily live without one. It saves me a lot of bother and irritation.

sallymandy said...

How about "Ensure you talk about yourself as much as possible." a

Mother Mayhem said...

Egads! I broke out in warts just reading this post.

Jennysmith said...

Ugh! Sometimes when i see the big boys from secondary school all sweaty and carrying their PE kits home, i think of those points in your great and funny post.

But surely my lovely clean golden 10 year old son won't turn out like that. ....no, dont; even answer that xxxx

Suburbia said...

Tears were rollimg down my cheeks as I read this!

Rose said...

I wish a few of the guys I dated years ago had read this beforehand:)

I didn't think to give my own sons this wise advice, Mean Mom, but fortunately they both found wonderful girls who decided to marry them in spite of their flaws!

Punkn said...

Hey MeanMom - I found you through Marmitetoasty. Your advice to your sons is hilarious. Funny. I enjoyed reading your blog.

Deanna aka Punkn

Dusty Spider said...

I have an award for you over at my place, comes with a task of course but you can't have everything! xxx PS. Love this post by the way you've obviously been peeping through my son's letterbox.

MarmiteToasty said...

LMFAO............

I will print this list out for my 4 sons lol.....

and, I kid you not, that exact ball scratcher and box is sitting here next to the computer...... I snorted tea out me nose when I saw the picture and then once again after reading your post LOL

x

blogthatmama said...

I'm printing it out for them tonight, great advice as ever Mean Mom, I thank you xx

Mean Mom said...

The Finely Tuned Woman - Yes, I can totally understand why you feel that way!


sallymandy - Some men are extremely good at that, I believe!


Mother Mayhem - Oh, dear! Sorry about that!


Jennysmith - I'm sure that you'll be lucky with your son - hope so, anyway!

Mean Mom said...

Suburbia - Glad you enjoyed it!


Rose - Yes, some men would definitely benefit from reading my guide! Glad your sons were fortunate!


Punkn - Welcome! Glad you enjoyed it!


Dusty Spider - I'm anywhere and everywhere! Nothing escapes me!


MarmiteToasty - I'm sort of glad that I don't have any balls, if they get that itchy! Hope that your lads see the funny side of it!


blogthatmama - It's worth a try!

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

You know, if all men were like this, the human race would die out. Thank God they're not all that way.

Robin said...

Mean Mom, you are not allowed to speak to my sons!! They already have several habits on the list and at this rate they will NEVER leave my house!

Mean Mom said...

wakeup - Yes, fortunately they're not all the same!


Robin - Well, I would hate to put any more ideas into their heads!

Vintage Kitten said...

I think that is the funniest post I have ever read, although I was trying desperately not to 'barf' (as you so eliquently put it) at some of the things. MEN TUT!

Mignon said...

So funny. There is a friends son who does theses regularly. Especially the ball scratching. I want to say something terribly. Does he not know when your speaking to me I can see his hand scratching away while he's doing the one leg mini squat. It's really bad. Eeewwwww

Mean Mom said...

Vintage Kitten - Glad to have made you laugh! After I'd written the post, I almost didn't publish it, because I wasn't sure whether it was too rude! In the end, I decided to take a chance and I think it's been OK!


Mignon - LOL! How awful, but very funny! I think it's true that with some men (or boys), it's just a habit and they don't realise what they're doing!

Scriptor Senex said...

You cruel woman. My son read your blog and now I'll never get rid of him. I hope you feel ashamed of yourself.
(Incidentally, your advice to the cigarette diaries was no good. The first pancake always sticks to the pan - it's some sort of variation on Sod's Law.)

Frog in the Field said...

Mean Mom, that's hilarious!
I have three daughters and shall keep this to show them what boys are really like.

Granny on the Web said...

Sound advice. Have you written a booklet I can pass round? or would you mind if I copied this and handed round to appropriate members in the family?

Well thought through too.
Love Granny

Mean Mom said...

Scriptor Senex - Oops! Sorry about that! You either need to take some pancake cooking lessons, or buy a packet of pancakes from Waitrose, next time and heat them in the microwave! Much less hassle!


Frog in the Field - They really do need to be warned that they shouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour! ;0)


Granny - Thanks for that! I think that you should pass this one on to any male, who is having trouble keeping a girlfriend, or even getting one in the first place!

Jules said...

Absolutely spectacular post as always!

Marvin -The Hollow Hound said...

I saw your comment on Surburbia's blog, I hope things are ok, it is a worry with parents, hospitals and suchlike.

I have been there. Hope things are not too stressful.

Letty xxxx sorry I am logged in as my dog, but I don't mind you publishing my comment, feel free. I was dog blogging and thought I would check your blog out while logged in. No worries!

Mean Mom said...

Jules - Thanks for that! Good to hear from you. Hope you are OK! ;0)


Letty - Thanks! Things not too bad. Been here for about 10 days, but came at short notice, in a rush. Father still in hospital.

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

just replying to your email now, wanted to let you know as you say you don't check 'em too often.

Letty :)

been thinking of you.

Mean Mom said...

Letty - Having a big problem with my internet connection, at the moment. It just throws me off after about 2 minutes!!! Going crazy. Still at my parents' house.

Liz said...

If only it weren't so true!

Vintage Kitten said...

Do you need cheering up? I will mix you a HUGE cocktail that will knock your socks off! X

Mean Mom said...

Vintage - Thanks! If you could just magic it over here, that would be great. My father has been in hospital for almost 3 weeks, now and I am staying with my mother in the Midlands, as she cannot be left alone. We are all a bit fed up, now and hoping that my father will be home soon.

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

Hi Mean Mom! I owe you an email reply but have been really busy getting things together for my Aussie trip. Whioh begins next Friday 27th. Hope things are ok, with the family, you know, I really appreciated your email reply!

I am away for two weeks from Friday 27th March and probably not going to have time for blogging or comments up till then now, more on my blog if you get a moment in your busy life!

Hope all well, lotsaluv, Letty ;oD

xx

Mean Mom said...

Letty - Thanks. I guessed that you would be getting ready for your trip, so don't worry about sending me an email. All is not well with my family unfortunately. My middle son broke his leg a week ago and had to have an operation to put in a plate and various pins. The doctor suspected on Friday that he had a blood clot, because his calf was tight, but they didn't manage to fit him in for a scan. Today he has been in pain, but he can't have a scan until Monday, because the staff aren't there to operate the machines. Is this crazy or what?

Vintage Kitten said...

Just popping by to say hello.......Hello! X

My comment mod word is bachag, I thought it said baghag LOL!

Mean Mom said...

Vintage Kitten - Thanks for calling by. Sorry about my absence. I was in the Midlands, whilst my father was in hospital and then my middle son broke his leg, so now I'm home again but visiting my son every day. Anyway, 'hello' and hope that you are OK. ;0)

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

You've been gone a long time and I hope your father is okay now and that both your parents are managing well without you.

Good luck with the son with the broken leg. I guess he needs much tending to.

It will be good to have you back for real and see some of your sense of humor shine through.

All the best,
Irene
XOXOX

Mean Mom said...

The Finely Tuned Woman - Thanks for calling by and for your good wishes! My father is out of hospital but still suffering from low haemoglobin. He is taking a higher dose of iron tablets but will have to go back into hospital if they don't do the trick. My middle son is finally out of hospital, but can't put any weight on his leg for another 6 weeks. I am in the middle of a post, but it's not coming easily. I can't seem to concentrate!

Vintage Kitten said...

Hiya, Im sorry I didnt see your latest reply to me. I just popped by incase you had posted and Id missed it (my reader thingymibob doesnt always tell me if someone has posted) I hope everything is okay. Sounds like the past weeks have been difficult. X

Mean Mom said...

Vintage Kitten - Thanks for not giving up on me! I can't seem to focus properly on putting a post together at the moment. I have written a disjointed one, which reads like rubbish. I am trying to work on it but there are too many other things on my mind. Hope you are well. I will catch up with everyone as soon as I can!

auntiegwen said...

Hey, just popped in as I'd not seen you for a while, after reading all your comments I can see why, hope you and your family are better now. Much love from your

auntiegwen xxx

Mean Mom said...

auntiegwen - Thanks! It never rains but it pours. I'm trying to get back into blogging mode!