Monday, 12 May 2008

Oh, Silly Meme!

Grit laid down the gauntlet, a few days' ago, when she tagged me with the mother of all memes. I was daunted for at least a few seconds, but then a wicked gleam came into my eye, and suddenly, I found myself hurtling along the path to self-destruction!

1. Do you like blue cheese?
I love Stilton, but I also love to fit into my jeans, so I only eat it at Christmas. I have an iron will and no money to buy jeans in a larger size.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
Is the emphasis on smoked here? Well, no, then.

3. Do you own a gun?
Several. My favourite is the sawn-off shotgun, which is a very effective deterrent against Npower doorstep salesmen.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink?
Yorkshire loose tea.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
No. I am menopausal. I tell my GP what is wrong with me. I tell him what I want. He types up a prescription, for me, I leave the surgery and he lives to see his wife and family again, at the end of the day.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I think that they should have been born with the intelligence to move into the shade.

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
Holiday Inn (1942). The frenzied excitement of getting to sing along with Bing Crosby in the song 'White Christmas', on 2 separate occasions, hardly ever fails to make me wet my pants.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Tea, if I polished off all of the vodka the night before.

9. Can you do push ups?
At my age, I can't afford to waste the time necessary to 'get down', in order to be in the appropriate position to 'push up'.

10. Are you thinking about someone else, right now?
Yes, the person who devised this questionnaire, strangely enough.

11. What's your favourite piece of jewelry?
My engagement ring. It has a diamond and 6 sapphires and it didn't come from Argos. It was made by a member of the family, who was, and still is, a bona fide jewellery maker.

12. Favorite hobbies?
Smoking, swearing, drinking, gambling, injecting hard drugs and embroidery.

13. Phrase you use most often?
It was just a joke, honestly, it was!

14. Do you have A.D.D?
Sorry, did you say something? I was just distracted for a moment, there.

15. What's one trait you hate about yourself?
Shyness. It's ridiculous in a woman of my age.

16. Middle name?
I will never divulge my middle name. You can kidnap my hairdresser and hide my hairdryer, but I will never tell. I kept it secret from my lads for 15 years, before they finally tricked my mother into giving the game away.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
Now that you've put me on the spot, my mind's gone blank. I can't think of any thoughts.

18. Name 4 things you bought yesterday.
Soda crystals for my drains.
Apple crumble for my tummy.
Hand wash liquid for my delicate clothes.
Wine for my husband.
I'll try not to get them mixed up, this time.

19. Next vacation?
One day, hopefully, when eldest son has moved out, middle son has finished his apprenticeship and student son reverts to being a son. Eldest son went to America, last year, and the younger 2 are off to America, in August. Something doesn't add up, somewhere.

20. Current worry?
In the singular??? Every member of my close family, including my elderly parents.

21. Current hate right now?

22. Favorite place to be?
My padded cell. It's so safe, cosy and windowless.

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
The same way as for the last 7 or 8 years. My husband's family joined us for a barbecue, in the evening and we had fireworks at midnight. In fact, this year, we were still cooking in the garden, at midnight and it was warm enough to have the patio doors open!

24. What'd you get for your birthday?
I haven't had a birthday since the year that there were too many birthday candles to fit on the birthday cake.

25. Name 3 people who will complete this.
Pass. I don't know any blogging insomniacs, who need something to help them to 'drop off' in the early hours. If any happen to be reading this, however .............. Oh! Too late! They've all dropped off.

26. Do you own slippers?
No. I don't like my feet to be constantly restricted. I buy cheap beach sandals from Primark, 4 pairs at a time, in the summer, so that I have enough to last me through the winter.

27. What shirt are you wearing?
I always blog topless.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I've never tried them, but I suspect I would slip out of bed, every time I tried to turn over. You would be lucky to find any satin sheets, these days, I think. Anyone putting 'satin look' polyester sheets on their bed, wouldn't be intending to do much sleeping on them, I suspect.

29. Can you whistle?
I can, believe it, or not! I have perfected the long, slow wolf whistle and I like to use it, when eyeing up nice young men from behind, in the High Street. When they turn around, they never suspect me, in a million years.

30. Favourite colors?
Black, navy blue, cerise.

31. Would you be a pirate?
No. The bandana would play havoc with my current hairstyle and the breeches aren't very flattering for a woman of my age. The parrot on the shoulder sounds like fun, though.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I know all of the songs, off by heart, from the Joni Mitchell album, 'Blue' and I sing as many of them as possible, whilst in the shower, with the bathroom window open. Don't you wish that you lived next door to me?

33. Favorite girl's name?
Plum. I just love all of these modern girls' name, don't you? Peaches, Apple, Moon Unit, Chastity etc. Will the names still seem suitable, when the females concerned are in their 80s, though? If I'd had a daughter, I might have called her Plum and she could then have changed her name to Prune, as soon as it seemed appropriate. It would also work with the name Grape, which could later become Raisin, but what could you call your daughter, Chastity, when she was obviously no longer chaste?

34. Favourite boy's name?
My 3 sons have my 3 favourite boys' names and one of those is my favourite boy's name.

35. What's in your pocket right now?
The only thing I wear, when blogging, is my glasses. Have I never mentioned that, before? Where are you all going? Don't you want to read the rest, then?

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Victoria Wood performing at the Royal Albert Hall. I watched it on Sky, very recently. Her stand up routines are inspired, I feel. Not so keen on Dinner Ladies, though.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Certainly not those Bri-Nylon ones that my mother loved so much.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Grit's reply to this one reminded me that it would have been my episiotomy, when I had my eldest son. It took such a long time for the midwife to prepare to do the stitching, that the feeling had returned to the area concerned, by the time she started. It was 10 times worse than the labour and took almost as long. The nurse held my hand and I almost broke her fingers.

39. Do you love where you live?
I love the house and its position. I would wish for nosier neighbours. Can neighbours ever be too nosy? Never, in my opinion.

40. How many tvs do you have in your house?
Planning a burglary? We have 5.

41. Who is the loudest friend you have?
****. She knows who she is!

42. How many dogs do you have?
None. We wouldn't want to upset our 3 cats, who, incidentally, have the intelligence to move into the shade, when they get too hot lying in the sun.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Yes. I've managed to attract the attention of the 95 year old billionaire, with a heart condition, who lives a few doors away. How have I managed to attract his attention? You mind your own business. All I've got to do now, is persuade him to change his will.

44. What is your favorite book?
How To Succeed At Blogging by N. O'Comments. I've read it several times, from cover to cover. It's been an inspiration.

45. What is your favorite candy?
I haven't eaten candy since I was in primary school.

46. Favorite Sports Team?
I suppose the England cricket team, since I discovered Flintoff and Monty Panesar.

47. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Agadoo by Black Lace. The wearing of tasteless shirts and soft leather-look pvc trousers will be optional, but joining in with the dance will be compulsory. No tears, please. I want to look down, or maybe up, if I go to the other place, and see everyone dancing in the aisles.

48. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Blogging - wasn't everyone?

49. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I'd have tom cat's b******s, for waking me, yet again, by scratching up the carpet outside the bedroom door, if the vet hadn't already beaten me to it.

What's happened to number 50, then? What sort of questionnaire has an odd number of questions?

Okay. That's it, then. Have I gone too far, again? Are the blogging police coming to arrest me, or the meme police, or the men in white coats? Not all of them, surely? You're not going to delete my blog, are you? It was just a joke, honestly, it was!


Milla said...

classic, I can't imagine anyone doing this meme better than this. I can't think actually, against Katie Melua crooning away. I wanted to say something extremely amusing about use of time, but, nope, it won't come.

Mean Mom said...

milla - How did you get over here, so quickly? I'm still struggling with the link on Agadoo!! Thanks, anyway! Sorry about Katie. You can click on the 'off' button on the player, though, if it's too awful! Better get back to Agadoo link! Oooh! My head hurts! What a marathon blog!

Working mum said...

It was a marathon just reading it! LOL though, especailly the hot dogs!

PS thanks to your mumnesia article, I've been asked to do an interview for Practical Parenting Magazine - me a practical parent?! Just hope I don't forget to reply to her e-mail. What e-mail? Oh, there I go again.

Mean Mom said...

working mum - Whoopee!! You never know who's lurking do you? More details, please. How did it happen? Keep me updated, if you can!

Glad you liked the meme. Aren't you relieved that I didn't pass it on?

Liz said...

What a huge meme! I can't be absolutely sure when you are serious. I mean some things are obviously true - like the padded cell.

Grit said...

there you go, it wasn't so bad in the end was it! now you can have a teaspoon of sugar!

Mean Mom said...

liz - It didn't take you long to suss me out, did it? You are obviously a woman after my own heart. Which bits aren't true? Well, I'm not too keen on embroidery, really.

grit - I've had to take 2 soluble Solpadeine Plus, never mind a teaspoon of sugar! Anyway, what about my poor teeth?

Dusty Spider said...

Wonderful! You never fail to amuse. Flick x

Suburbia said...

I can't believe yoy attempted it but I'mgald you did, it was great fun to read!

Maggie May said...

That was very good. I have visions of you shivering on your blogging stool. Get some clothes on woman!

merry weather said...

You kept your middle name a secret from your boys for 15 years!! Now, my curiosity is really aroused :)

I'm just sitting here, chuckling at your vast list - particularly the doctor at No 5 - admiring your garden (with envy!) and feeling mellow listening to the music...

It's almost like visiting your house - very clever :)

Mean Mom said...

dusty - The story of my life, but it hasn't always been my intention!!

suburbia - It felt easy to do, when it was all in my head, but it did take ages to type it up. I should have been gardening!

maggie may - I even have to giggle to myself, sometimes. I can't imagine what impression I must give to strangers visiting my site. Well, I can and it just makes me laugh even more! I do have some serious posts in mind, though. I will get round to them, sooner or later.

merry weather - My middle name is a tease isn't it? What am I talking about? So is the rest of my name and yours, come to that!

I'm glad that you enjoyed your visit to my site!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Okay that middle name has to be Hortense doesn't it?! No wonder you kept it quiet woman! What a fab meme but dear god you must have worn your fingers down to the boe typing that lot! I pee'd myself laughing at this and the previous dental visit blog. You are so flippin funny - should have nominted you for the funiest blog award. Thanks for highlighting to me that I got into the top ten in the best of blogs awards - I was away in Glasgow and only got back the other day. Ta for your vote hen - I am fair chuffed.

Mean Mom said...

mob - Hortense? Oooh - so near and yet so far! When I realised that YOU weren't going to nominate me for funniest blog, I nominated myself, but didn't get anywhere at all! It's just you who finds me funny, then. Oh and sometimes I laugh at myself, of course!

I'm glad to have been the bearer of good news. I wondered where you were. Mob - have you looked at any of the competition? I have. I'm saying nothing, but do have a look, if you have a minute.

Jules said...

I know how you can get that ancient billionaire's will!! Send him over a pair of binoculars and tell him to come by your place around midnight, or so, when you're blogging. He'll get an eyefull and just fall into your cluthches..... uh....... your willing and able hands.

Jules said...

Oh, thought I'd let you know that I'd been contacted too - by the same person that working mum was - about mumnesia. She found me because I followed your link to the newspaper and posted a comment there. I haven't contacted her yet..... I'm a little wary. Posting on a blog is one thing. Does being written up in a Parenting magazine bring on stalkers, though?

Mean Mom said...

jules - You know me too well. You've more or less discovered how I attracted his attention in the first place!

Re 'Mumnesia' article. Hmmm. I'm not sure what to say. You would need to find out what the magazine has in mind. I have had my photograph published in 2 different magazines and some embroidery projects published under my own name. Some people offer an email address in case anyone has any queries, but I chose not to do that. The only way people could have contacted me, therefore, would have been via the magazine. Acquaintances, who saw the articles simply congratulated me. Personally, I would be surprised, if you had a problem with just your name appearing, but perhaps you wouldn't want your photo, or any contact details published.

Frog in the Field said...

A brilliant meme..heck it's a bloody thesis!
You write really well and are very funny.

auntiegwen said...

Just peeked in and loved it, tres tres funny

Mean Mom said...

frog in the field and auntiegwen - Will you be my friends for life?

Frog in the Field said...

Yes, of course!
Let me just find my PayPal account number for you... :D

Mean Mom said...

frog in the field - OK, then, but you'd better not charge any more than my other friends.

Debra in France said...

You are brilliant! It is great to know more about you - I believe it all!!! Debra x

Mean Mom said...

debra in france - A timely comment! My confidence has taken a nose dive, within the past few days. Thanks!

Oh, just a minute! No! You weren't supposed to believe it! Debra! It was a joke, you see! Oh dear! She's gone!

MissKris said...

I so agree with you on #33, the crazy names given to girls now. How indeed WILL they feel at 80 about them?! Another thing I wonder about is tattoos...what looks fine on taut, young skin ain't gonna look so hot on thin, saggy-baggy 80-year-old flesh, either, haha!

Mean Mom said...

misskris - My sentiments entirely! My eldest son loves to follow fashion and has had some tatoos. I find it horrifying and have said exactly that to him! How will he feel about the tatoos when he is elderly?? I despair!!