Sunday, 18 May 2008

Job Vacancies

The following job vacancies have arisen in the Mean Mom household, due to her desire to take up blogging on a full-time basis.

Job Title: Cleaner
Hours: Morning till night
Salary: None
Duties: To include cleaning of all rooms, within a 4 bedroom family residence, paying particular attention to bathroom and toilet areas, where it will be necessary to shovel up short, curly hairs, at regular intervals, throughout the day. Full protective clothing, including face-masks, will be provided during fumigation of younger adults' bedrooms.
Ref: 1cl

Job Title: Cook
Basic Hours: 28 per week, but must also be on call from 7.30pm until 12am, each evening, to cater for latecomers.
Salary: None
Duties: Planning and providing nutritious meals for a family of 4/5 adults, some of whom have a list of allergies, likes and dislikes as long as your arm. Applicants must have experience of slaving over a hot stove for hours on end, only to be informed that the resulting dish resembles a plateful of vomit or diarrhoea.
The successful applicant will also be responsible for washing-up, stock control, ordering provisions and budgeting. Other duties will include running up to the 24 hour Tesco Express, without pausing for breath, when the tomato sauce unexpectedly runs out, in the middle of a fish and chip supper, on a wet Monday evening.
Ref: 1co

Job Title: Laundress
Qualifications: Diploma in miraculous removal of unidentifiable stains down front of personal clothing
Hours: 14 per week
Salary: None
Duties: The successful applicant will bear full responsibility for all of the day to day washing and ironing of personal clothing, and household linen, appertaining to a family of 4/5 adults. Applicants must be willing to make themselves available, every Friday and Saturday night, to wash, dry and iron favourite items of clothing, belonging to any of the younger family members, within a five minute time span, should the need arise.
Ref: 1la

Job Title: Gardener, females and over 30s need not apply
Qualifications: Applicants must be tall, dark, handsome, strong and worth a second glance, when naked from the waist up.
Hours: Endless from June to October
Salary: None
Duties: Mowing of grass, weeding, general maintenance of flower borders and small pond. Framework of shrubs, in the main garden, and mixed hedge, at the side of the residence, must be trimmed, day and night, throughout the growing season, in order to control their height and spread.
Ref: 1ga

Job Title: Embroiderer
Hours: Disproportionate to salary
Duties: Must have vast experience of completing half-finished projects, previously abandoned in desperation, to the highest standards. Successful applicants must not lose heart, during the 12 month waiting period, which sometimes applies before publication of successful projects.
Ref: 1em

Job Title: Counsellor, live-in
Hours: Must be on call day and night
Salary: None
Duties: The successful applicant will be responsible for the mental well-being of 3 young males, aged 19-25 years, associated girlfriends and most recent ex-girlfriends, one middle-aged male, suffering a mid-life crisis and manopause, and a mean, moody, middle-aged, menopausal female.
Ref: 1co

Job Title: Personal middle-aged escort, males need not apply
Hours: Evenings and weekends
Salary: None
Duties: Conversing and watching tv with middle-aged male, also accompanying him on outings varying from cinema visits and cheap meals out, to country walks. Successful applicant must be prepared to provide 'extras', as and when required, but the charging of fees will not be permissible.
Ref: 1pe

Job Title: Companion
Hours: Up to 10 per week
Salary: None
Duties: To include meeting up with a mean, moody, middle-aged mother's friends for coffee, lunches, garden visits, walks and the occasional theatre visit. The successful applicant will be required to answer the telephone, or gossip with friends and family, several times a week, for periods of no less than 30 minutes at a time. Some emailing will be necessary. Applicants must also be willing to travel, in order to spend time with relatives in various parts of the country.
Ref: 1com

Job Title: Personal carer, live-in
Hours: 24 per day
Salary: None
Duties: To carry out non-nursing tasks for a mean, moody, middle-aged mother, who must remain on her typist's chair, due to a blogging compulsion. Tasks will include assistance with eating and drinking, sponging on chair, dressing/undressing, hair care and toileting. The successful applicant will also be responsible for personal shopping. Applicants must have experience of endless tea-making, with loose tea, and will be required to sleep for 8 hours a night on behalf of the client.
Ref: 1pc

Job Title: Painter
Hours: Morning till night, for the occasional week only, anytime from June to September
Salary: None
Duties: Washing-down, sanding, polyfilling and painting various rooms, within a 4 bedroom residence. Applicants must have wide experience of watching influential, property presentation tv programmes, such as House Doctor, and some experience of painting with cream paint. The successful applicant must not find it soul-destroying, when pristine, newly-painted walls are spoiled by mysterious black marks and small chips in the plasterwork, within a few minutes of completion.
Ref: 1pa

Application forms for any of the above vacancies are obtainable from Mean Mom. Closing date for applications is 30/05/08.


Grit said...

you are RIGHT ON, mean mom. you've inspired me. unfortunately you have probably brought out my bolshy rebellious side to boot.

now i shall be busy writing up a list of duties to nail to various doors around this house to drive the point home, and to give authority to the voice of a whining grit who usually goes on and on about what she has to do round here. of course actually pointing out the daily jobs that are required in the standard household will tip us over into divorce procedings. in which case i will just add negotiator/lawyer to the list of job vacancies chez grit.

auntiegwen said...

Oh I loved this, if you have more than 1 applicant, can I have your castoff's for my place please ? pretty please ?

I still get statled every time that feckin woman sings when I arrive at your place !!!!!

Noortje said...

I wouldn't do any of those jobs, except for the one of counselor, and you are silly if you do some of the other ones. especially without pay. I'd go on strike if I were you instead of long suffer.

Mean Mom said...

noortje - Welcome to my world! No, not quite. Seriously, now, I have more or less described my family's EXPECTATIONS, rather than the reality of the situation. It would take another post to explain, but I no longer wash or iron, for my 2 eldest sons, for example, and I never cook for the eldest. I RARELY set foot in their bedrooms. If we run out of things, it is TOUGH. When the lads were young, they would giggle and describe my casseroles as vomit, or diarrhoea. They always got into trouble for it, but felt that it was worth it! It is true that I do look after the cleaning, the garden and do a lot of the decorating, but someone has to!! I very much regret that I am unable to spend as much time on my embroidery projects, as I would like, so that I could earn myself a 'bit of a name'.

Milla said...

my, how you tempt!
have just worked out how to silence ms Melua as she always makes me jump too. Very funny blog.

Mean Mom said...

grit - If I don't clean up a bit, do the garden and decorate, occasionally, no-one does. I discovered this, when I went back to work, after having the lads. I found myself turning into a nagging, bitter old woman, because everyone was so set against helping out. Left to themselves, the men in my family would be more than happy to live 'like pigs in muck'! I don't want a spotless house, but I do have some standards! If YOU sit down and list all of the little 'jobs' that you do around the house, you may well understand why you feel so tired, sometimes! I forgot to mention that I also look after our 3 cats! Where's my soapbox? I'm feeling 'bolshy' too, now!

Mean Mom said...

auntiegwen - Glad you liked the post. If I have any applicants, I will happily send any extras over to you, except for the tall, handsome gardeners. If I have too many of those, I will just get a bigger garden.

I keep forgetting that Katie is singing, because someone keeps turning off my speakers.

Mean Mom said...

milla - I can't concentrate now, for Katie's sobbing in the background.

Thanks, you are building up my confidence, no end!

Working mum said...

LOL! I hope you get some applicants for the gardener's position.

Love the music, btw!

Mean Mom said...

working mum - Oooh! Me too! It's so exciting!

merry weather said...

Haha! What a cracking post MM - hilarious! When you put it like this, there hardly seems any point in going out to work. It's so so true...

I haven't heard of the manopause before - brilliant, did you make that up?

And, I'm "wounded" to see that I can't apply for your gardening position! It's a Diet Coke break thing you're seeking I guess :)

Great stuff - I'm leaving chuckling.

MissKris said...

Here's one for my house:

Job Title: Dog Walker

Hours: 24

Salary: Lot of unconditional love but with strings attached

Duties: Going out at all hours, day or nite, rain or shine, snow or ice. Must be a phenomenal poop-scooper!


MarmiteToasty said...

Smiling here.......

I went on diswasher strike last week and me lads used every single dish, cup, plate, utentil in the cupboards until all was piled above the dishwasher... my 18 year old even used a large wooden spoon to eat custard cos there were no dessert spoons clean LMFAO.......

love your job vacancies.......

Found you via you leaving a comment on the Times Column thingie....


Mean Mom said...

merry weather - Glad you enjoyed the post. Manopause can be found in the urban dictionary, but I don't know where I first heard of it, to be honest. I had to check to make sure that it existed.

Oooh! Sorry about the gardening post. Never occurred to me that you might want to apply. If no decent men apply, the job will be yours and you will be relieved to know that no stripping off will be required! You should ignore my husband if he suggests it.

Mean Mom said...

misskris - That's one vacancy I won't be applying for, but I'm sure you feel that your dog is well worth all of the care and attention, that you give him!

marmitetoasty - Oh, I believe you! If you don't want to be disappointed, it's best not to expect anything, in the first place! Were you the first to crack?

Thanks so much for calling in. I've been meaning to call in on you, because I had noticed your little avatar (is that the right word?) on someone else's blog, and thought you looked interesting!

blogthatmama said...

I've got absolutely loads of experience in all of those jobs but can't demonstrate much success, except for the companion's role. I really thought that once my lads hit 16 and 19 (only 7 years to go!) my life would be my own again...

aims said...

If you get an applicant for the gardener's position - can you take pics so that we can help you choose? I recommend a bottle of baby oil to keep on hand for these pictures. You wouldn't want the applicant to get burnt out in the sun or shade or in the dark of the night........

Mean Mom said...

blogthatmama - Oh, dear! All of your hopes and dreams have turned to dust, then! If your lads go to uni, and stay the course, you will hopefully have a different experience. Only my youngest has gone off to uni, and stayed there, so far. Touch wood, fingers crossed etc. My eldest 2 would like to move out, but cannot afford anywhere in this part of the country, at the moment. We are not keen on them renting, because, if they do that, they will never be able to afford to also save up for a house of their own.

Mean Mom said...

aims - I would like to reply coherently, but I am quite carried away with the images you have conjured up in my mind and I can't concentrate, now!

Suburbia said...

All those vacancies here too! Funny that isn't it?!

Mean Mom said...

suburbia - Oh, yes! A very odd coincidence!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Feck me, I'm not applying for your jobs!

Maggie May said...

I thought you were thinking of packing in your unpaid job for a minute!
The description of the position for shoveling up black curly hairs had me creased! LOL

Robin said...

I would like to apply for the position of Companion. We can drink coffee while we want the gardener. Maybe I should help you interview them too. I do so want to help.

Mean Mom said...

mob - Why not? What's wrong with my jobs? I'm sending you an application form. Please return it by 30/05/08.

maggie may - Now, you would find it funny!! You try living with 4 adult males and keeping the bathrooms clean! I could stuff a mattress, or 2. ;0)

Robin - LOL! I love that expression 'want the gardener'. You can help, of course! Unfortunately, no-one seem to want to apply. I can't imagine why.

Jules said...

Please let me know when the line of gardeners begins to form. I should be able to drool..... uh..... perform crowd control for you. If someone has already applied for this position, I'll be more than pleased to provide back up. I'll need to know a bit in advance however, so keep me posted. :)

Mean Mom said...

jules - Only one person has been interested in the gardening job, so far, and it was a lady! I live in hope, however, and you can certainly perform crowd control, if necessary!

Maggie May said...

You are tagged, Mean mom!

Mean Mom said...

maggie - Do you know, I saw that one coming!

Frog in the Field said...

Dear Mean Mom, I am printing your post and sticking it to the fridge, bathroom mirror and tractor!
There seems to be an air of dissatisfaction amongst us ladies just now.
Perhaps we should have a mothers day off?

the mother of this lot said...

Well, I'm tempted to apply for the companion position, but you can stuff the rest. Been there, done that. Actually, make that still there, still doing it.

Ooh - just got 'This Boy'. One of my all time favourites. I'll have to stay for a bit now. Any tea going?

Mean Mom said...

frog in the field - An air of dissatisfaction? I do believe that I may have started it!

the mother of this lot - Yes, I keep trying to tell everyone that they'll miss me when I'm gone, but to no avail! Tea? Oh, of course!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Bugger, I spilled coffee all over that application form...NO don't send me another - not if you value keeping your brood intact!

Y'see if I had to take care of a load of males that left it all to me then I would be forced to bump them off one by one under cover of darkness. You would have a series of newly dug mounds of dirt posing as new flower beds in your garden...But oh wait I'd better apply for the gardener's job as I can't have my henious crimes uncovered.....Mwahahahahaahaah!

Dusty Spider said...

Me, Me, Me, I'll be the companion. Chatting and emailing a speciality. I'm your girl!! Flick x

Mean Mom said...

mob - Bumping them off, one by one, under cover of darkness? Believe me, I've considered it! I really do need gardening help, though. I've been working on it, for days and days and there's still so much to do!!

dusty - I had an idea the companion's post would appeal to someone! It's the only one worth having!

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Oh dear, Mean Mom, so sorry I was away and missed your application deadline. What a pity! Those jobs sounded just my cup of tea. M :-)

Mean Mom said...

a mother's place - I'm not sure that you're being totally sincere, here, you know. I'm thinking about re-advertising .......