The following job vacancies have arisen in the Mean Mom household, due to her desire to take up blogging on a full-time basis.
Job Title: Cleaner
Hours: Morning till night
Duties: To include cleaning of all rooms, within a 4 bedroom family residence, paying particular attention to bathroom and toilet areas, where it will be necessary to shovel up short, curly hairs, at regular intervals, throughout the day. Full protective clothing, including face-masks, will be provided during fumigation of younger adults' bedrooms.
Job Title: Cook
Basic Hours: 28 per week, but must also be on call from 7.30pm until 12am, each evening, to cater for latecomers.
Duties: Planning and providing nutritious meals for a family of 4/5 adults, some of whom have a list of allergies, likes and dislikes as long as your arm. Applicants must have experience of slaving over a hot stove for hours on end, only to be informed that the resulting dish resembles a plateful of vomit or diarrhoea.
The successful applicant will also be responsible for washing-up, stock control, ordering provisions and budgeting. Other duties will include running up to the 24 hour Tesco Express, without pausing for breath, when the tomato sauce unexpectedly runs out, in the middle of a fish and chip supper, on a wet Monday evening.
Job Title: Laundress
Qualifications: Diploma in miraculous removal of unidentifiable stains down front of personal clothing
Hours: 14 per week
Duties: The successful applicant will bear full responsibility for all of the day to day washing and ironing of personal clothing, and household linen, appertaining to a family of 4/5 adults. Applicants must be willing to make themselves available, every Friday and Saturday night, to wash, dry and iron favourite items of clothing, belonging to any of the younger family members, within a five minute time span, should the need arise.
Job Title: Gardener, females and over 30s need not apply
Qualifications: Applicants must be tall, dark, handsome, strong and worth a second glance, when naked from the waist up.
Hours: Endless from June to October
Duties: Mowing of grass, weeding, general maintenance of flower borders and small pond. Framework of shrubs, in the main garden, and mixed hedge, at the side of the residence, must be trimmed, day and night, throughout the growing season, in order to control their height and spread.
Job Title: Embroiderer
Hours: Disproportionate to salary
Duties: Must have vast experience of completing half-finished projects, previously abandoned in desperation, to the highest standards. Successful applicants must not lose heart, during the 12 month waiting period, which sometimes applies before publication of successful projects.
Job Title: Counsellor, live-in
Hours: Must be on call day and night
Duties: The successful applicant will be responsible for the mental well-being of 3 young males, aged 19-25 years, associated girlfriends and most recent ex-girlfriends, one middle-aged male, suffering a mid-life crisis and manopause, and a mean, moody, middle-aged, menopausal female.
Job Title: Personal middle-aged escort, males need not apply
Hours: Evenings and weekends
Duties: Conversing and watching tv with middle-aged male, also accompanying him on outings varying from cinema visits and cheap meals out, to country walks. Successful applicant must be prepared to provide 'extras', as and when required, but the charging of fees will not be permissible.
Job Title: Companion
Hours: Up to 10 per week
Duties: To include meeting up with a mean, moody, middle-aged mother's friends for coffee, lunches, garden visits, walks and the occasional theatre visit. The successful applicant will be required to answer the telephone, or gossip with friends and family, several times a week, for periods of no less than 30 minutes at a time. Some emailing will be necessary. Applicants must also be willing to travel, in order to spend time with relatives in various parts of the country.
Job Title: Personal carer, live-in
Hours: 24 per day
Duties: To carry out non-nursing tasks for a mean, moody, middle-aged mother, who must remain on her typist's chair, due to a blogging compulsion. Tasks will include assistance with eating and drinking, sponging on chair, dressing/undressing, hair care and toileting. The successful applicant will also be responsible for personal shopping. Applicants must have experience of endless tea-making, with loose tea, and will be required to sleep for 8 hours a night on behalf of the client.
Job Title: Painter
Hours: Morning till night, for the occasional week only, anytime from June to September
Duties: Washing-down, sanding, polyfilling and painting various rooms, within a 4 bedroom residence. Applicants must have wide experience of watching influential, property presentation tv programmes, such as House Doctor, and some experience of painting with cream paint. The successful applicant must not find it soul-destroying, when pristine, newly-painted walls are spoiled by mysterious black marks and small chips in the plasterwork, within a few minutes of completion.
Application forms for any of the above vacancies are obtainable from Mean Mom. Closing date for applications is 30/05/08.
A good bit of gossip
13 hours ago