Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Blogless Days

I'm sorry that I've neglected my blogging duties over the past few days, but not one person has requested an application form for any of the job opportunities, which I advertised in my last post! I can't imagine why not! Most of the vacancies were aimed at women and most of the people visiting my blog, are female, as far as I know. I'm beginning to doubt that any of you are used to working for low pay, or no pay!

Unfortunately, I left it rather late to advertise for help. I have to admit that, over the last few months, my blogging habit has resulted in a backlog of household chores. I've caught the bedclothes trying to make their own way to the laundry basket, on more than one occasion, just recently. The cobwebs, hanging from the ceiling, in our house, have been as thick as jungle vines, but they've come in very handy for swinging over the mountainous piles of ironing, which have taken on lives of their own, lately, continually running around the house in an endless search for the ironing board and iron. The garden has become so overgrown that family members are afraid to venture into it, without taking a precautionary packed lunch and thermos. It became necessary, therefore, for me to start catching up with the backlog of my own chores, over the past few days.

On the first day, I tackled some of the washing, which I had hoped to leave to the laundress. This included my poor, cream jumper, which had been in soak for a fortnight, since I dropped chocolate cake and raspberry coulis down the front of it, whilst visiting a local cafe, with one of my friends. It was an extremely pleasant surprise to find that my favourite jumper hadn't rotted away, but was, once again, stain-free. Hooray for Stergene Handwash! Complimentary goods to the usual address, please.

The next day, I forced myself to act as companion to one of my other friends, as she wished to visit a nearby ornamental garden and plant centre. My clean jeans were still wet, an hour before she was due to arrive, so I had to light the gas fire to dry them off. When the doorbell rang 50 minutes later, I was wearing my damp jeans, but still ironing the creases out of my newly-washed t-shirt. My friend was quite bemused, when I explained why my house was as hot as the devil's kitchen. She was obviously the sort of person who habitually went to bed at 10pm, got up at 6am and had all of her chores done, by the time some of us were still trying to force open our eyes, and find our way to the bathroom, with the vain hope of avoiding a full-length sprawl on the landing, in the process. She couldn't understand how I could be so disorganised!

We set off a mere 15 minutes later than intended, for the gardens and plant centre, where I was compelled to enjoy myself, throughout the whole of the day, admiring the beautiful borders, having lunch in the cafe, enthusing over the handmade items in the craft gallery and buying new additions for my own garden, in the plant centre. It was incredibly hard work and all for no financial reward! I have to confess that I overspent a little, in the plant centre, however!

The following morning, I had to meet some of my friends for coffee and then, whilst doing my own shopping, in the supermarket, a duty I had intended to leave to my newly-appointed cook, I picked up some flowers, for another friend, and walked to her house, to deliver them in person. My husband and I had enjoyed a lovely meal at her house, a few days before, so I wanted to take her some flowers as a thank you. I drank more coffee with my friend, forgetting to visit the loo before leaving her house, so I very much regretted that I hadn't worn my new, stylish, easy to wear, discreet and comfortable tena pants, that day, as I sprinted the last few yards of my journey home!

For the next 4 days, it was necessary for me to work in my own garden, as there had been no interest, whatsoever, in the gardening position I advertised in my last post. At the end of the first, long day of my gardening duties, I noticed that my right knee was quite painful, and after a lot of probing, I eventually removed the half-inch thorn, which had spitefully pierced my flesh at some time during the day. I searched, in vain, for some antiseptic cream to apply to my wound, but I suddenly recalled that my eldest son was away for the night and I realised that he had most probably taken the cream with him, to apply to his newly-tattooed, right, upper arm. DON'T GO THERE! By the next morning, the condition of my knee appeared to have worsened, the area surrounding the site of the puncture, appearing red and hot to the touch. I limped around, nobly, for the next 3 days, continuing with my unpaid gardening duties, regardless of the pain and discomfort!

I couldn't work on any of my embroidery projects over the last week, due to a recurring problem with my eyes, but I was able to catch up with a lot of my cleaning and ironing. The direct result of my busy week, therefore, is that I am 'laid up' on the sofa, suffering, exhausted and whimpering softly. I regret to report that I contracted pneumonia from wearing my damp jeans, at the beginning of the week, which turned into double pneumonia, by the time I had spent 4 days working, stripped to the waist, in the garden, towards the end of the week. I can hardly straighten up, because of my aching muscles and I'm suffering from septicaemia, due to the thorn which pierced my right knee.

Okay, so I may have exaggerated my ailments, just a little, but my frequent suffering has served to convince me that full-time blogging is definitely a safer and, on the whole, a more desirable option, for the mean, moody middle-aged woman, than life in the real world. After all, I've never found it necessary to wear damp clothes, never had to admit to any of my friends that I'm totally disorganised, never overspent, never come so close to sullying my clean undergarments, never suffered aching muscles, exhaustion, or had a thorn go into my knee, due to blogging on my computer. From now on, it's definitely going to be a blogger's life for me!

20 comments:

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Brilliant post - has me chuckling away! I wish I could get away with just using Tena Lady - it's incontinence pants for me I'm afraid!

Debra in France said...

Hi Mean Mom, how strange that you have no replies to the job vacancies. I would have loved to have offered my services, but as I am already cook, gardener, cleaner and laundress and can't possibly take on anything else!!!

Mean Mom said...

mob - I think that fashion houses are beginning to realise that there is a lot of money to be made from incontinence pants, these days. I'm confident that we will see them on the catwalks, next season! We could offer to model. What do you think?


debra in france - Are you sure that I can't persuade you to apply for something? You sound very accomplished. What about a night shift? Sleep isn't strictly necessary, is it?

Liz said...

A very wise decision, mean mom! I make a point of only ever looking at computer screen level. That way I avoid a lot of unnecessary guilt.

Mean Mom said...

liz - That's such a good idea! I think I'll do the same, from now on.

Working mum said...

Yes, a blogging life would be so much easier than the one I've got.

Try my rota for cleaning the house - kitchen this week, bathroom next week, etc. Works for me!

auntiegwen said...

Ah how much I have to look forward to in the next few years !!!!

tattoed weans and tena lady pads, just as well I'm in training now !!!

Milla said...

Oh MM, this is all so horribly familiar. Excellent as usual.

Edward said...

My advice is to do what my mother did - give up ironing. She maintained that if you hang clothes properly, and fold them neatly, they don't need ironing (well, except dress shirts, natch). Lovely garden BTW.

aims said...

It's a pure shame they abolished child labour - isn't it??

Maggie May said...

Phew! For a minute, I thought you were going to jack it all in!
Had a good laugh at this post!
I also have cobwebs long enough to swing on! I use a machete in the garden to get to the clothes line and my iron is somewhere under the mounds of washing!

Grit said...

Hurrah for blogging! Down with ironing! I agree that a blogger's life is much more satisfying than doing the ironing. I last ironed one of Dig's shirts in 2004 and immediately regretted it. I had opened a bar of chocolate on the ironing board only seconds before and forgot about the thousands of slivers of chocolate that inadvertently fall from the bar when you snap a great chunk off. Blogging is much better than the consequences of ironed-in chocolate flakes on a DKNY white shirt.

Mean Mom said...

working mum - If only things would stay cleanish for more than 5 minutes! It's so disheartening! Before we had our family, I would clean once a week and do the washing once a week. It was all that was necessary!


auntiegwen - Those are the best bits. I haven't mentioned the worst bits, yet!


milla - Thanks indeed! It's a hard life, isn't it?

Mean Mom said...

edward - I think that there must be something wrong with my washing machine. Everything comes out creased! Glad you like the garden. I've neglected it a little over the past few years, so I've been trying to catch up for the last week or so. I'm so exhausted I can hardly type, and I'm still not finished out there!


aims - My lads are certainly old enough to lend a hand, but the youngest is the only one who has ever been 'a little helper'. He has done his bit over the past week, during breaks in revision. He is back at uni now. The eldest is almost always out. The middle one has 2 jobs, one full-time, one part-time. Funnily enough they can all find the time to make a bit of a mess!


maggie may - Oh, housework is so unrewarding! Nobody notices when you've done it, only when you haven't!


grit - I expect your husband refused to allow you the pleasure of ironing any of his shirts, ever again. Result!!

blogthatmama said...

I'm thinking of the many commercial openings for those fantastic pants. I could do with a couple of pairs for my runs instead of having to dive into hedgerows, praying that no cars come along.

Dusty Spider said...

I'm with you. Blogging is definitely safer than housework. I nearly broke a nail while dusting last month, I mean, really, it's just not worth the risk. Flick x

Bollinger Byrd said...

So reassuring to know that others have cowebs that decorate their wall and ceilings, thought I was alone in this new found decorative art.
I found staying up playing wii till 5am and then crashing on the sofa almost as good as blogging, only for 17 yr old to want to know what time i thought I'd come home....
bbx

Mean Mom said...

blogthatmama - The idea of wearing incontinence pants is becoming strangely attractive to me, as I get older!!


dusty spider - What a frightful experience! I do hope that you took to your bed, for an hour or 2, whilst you recovered!


bollinger byrd - Cobwebs! It's always a mistake to look up, isn't it? We need to develop tunnel vision, like men.

It's probably just as well that we don't have a wii, then. I thought from the tv adverts that it looked quite addictive. I do have a birthday coming up though .....

Jules said...

Darn. No gardeners applied. You sure?

And I noticed that everyone was ever so polite when you talked about number 1 son's tattoo..... when you said "DON'T GO THERE". In my old age however, i have following-directions issues. So..... I'm blindly stumbling up the treacherous path and here I am.

A Tattoo! I bet it says "I LOVE my mum" or "My mum has many jobs open. Call for details." I think that you need to check into this.

Mean Mom said...

jules - You're right. Everyone has been polite about son's tattoo. I hadn't noticed. The tattoo on his upper arm is supposed to represent animal skin. It's a zebra type pattern. His skin forms the background and the stripes are tattooed in black. The polo shirts he wears for work, as part of his uniform, just about cover it. They are not allowed to have large tatoos on display. ON THE INSIDES OF HIS ARMS, HOWEVER, HE HAS THE WORDS LEFT AND RIGHT TATTOOED IN CHINESE!! I DESPAIR!!