Does anyone remember Joyce Grenfell? If you do, you will realise that this post has been inspired by her, to a certain extent.
Hi, girls and boys! Welcome to my 1950s birthday party! It doesn't matter if you don't have an invitation. Come on in and put your presents on the hall table. Now, I'm sorry, but you can't come in if you haven't brought a present! What? None of you have brought a present? Okay, then, just leave a tenner, in my best hat, on the hall table, as you leave.
It's great to see you girls in your lovely, nylon party frocks and you boys in your short trousers, and shirts and ties. The last time I saw legs like that, they had sparrows attached to them! No, you all look very smart, really. Right, let's sit over here, for a few minutes, whilst we play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Who's that crying already? You're supposed to be pinning the tail on the picture of the donkey, on the wall, not on one of my favourite bloggers! Well, it's very rude of you to say that you thought she looked like a donkey. What a naughty blogger you are! Now, you can put that away! It's not polite to do that, either!
Right, let's have a game of musical chairs! You know what to do. When the music stops, sit on a chair and the one left without a chair is out.......... Now, who moved that chair, just as my favourite blogger was about to sit on it? Don't cry, dear! I'm sure that nobody saw your frilly knickers, when you fell on the floor. Well, he may have said that he did, but I know that he didn't. He's just teasing. I don't know who you are, young man, but I've told you that it's very rude to do that. Now, put it away!
Okay, let's have a nice quiet game of Sleeping Lions, before tea. Everybody lie down and keep still! Goodness me! What a lot of grunting, groaning and creaking! Is everybody down yet ? First one to fidget is out............... You're very quiet and still! It hadn't occurred to me, before, but it's much easier to keep quiet and still, when you're older, isn't it?
Okay, it's been 10 minutes, now, since anybody moved. WAKE UP! Oh, sorry! Didn't mean to startle you! Yes, alright, you can all have a prize.
Let's have something to eat, now! Follow me to the table and sit down quietly! There are some empty seats at the table. Who's missing? The older bloggers? Oh, here they come! They couldn't get up off the floor, but they've managed to drag themselves along on their arthritic elbows. That's it! Haul yourselves up and collapse on your chairs. Alright, don't forget to grunt, as you sit down! Oh, you didn't! That's good!
Now, we've got jam, salmon and spam sandwiches and cheese straws. Then, there's biscuits, cake, jelly and blancmange. There's Corona and Tizer pop to drink. What about your teeth? Oh, I see. Well, we didn't bother about teeth in the 50s. did we? We either had them filled, or we had them removed.
No fighting over the spam sandwiches, please! DON'T toss the bread to one side, after you've licked off the jam! The cheese straws are for eating, not for treading into the carpet! Young man, I don't want to have to tell you again. Put that away, please!
Will you 2 bloggers stop fighting and jostling my elbow? If I miss my mouth with this jelly, once more, I shall give you both a Chinese burn! Now, who's flicking blancmange up the walls? Okay, that's enough! Young man, I'm tired of telling you! Put that tongue back in your mouth, immediately!
Let's have a game of Pass the Parcel! Where did I put that parcel? Ah, here it is.
Now, girls, what are you up to? The boys don't want to play Kiss Chase! Why have you tied their legs together? Well, I can see that they've got no chance of getting away, but that's not fair, is it? Actually, who's that young, dark, handsome, muscular chap? Okay, untie all of them, except for him. I'm still looking for a gardener!
Whew, I'm exhausted! I can't do Pass the Parcel, until I've had a proper drink. There's some shandy in the kitchen........... Aaargh! Don't trample on me! Whatever is wrong with all of you?
Okay, I can't see much, yet, but I'm coming round, now. HOW DID I GET THAT MUDDY FOOTPRINT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FACE?
Right, there's just time for a quick game of Hide and Seek, before you have to go home! Oh, you're already hiding, from the look of it..............
Okay, I've been looking for a few minutes, now, but I can't find anybody. Even my prospective gardener has managed to slip away. All I've found, so far, is a pile of empty bottles in the kitchen. Ah, here's a couple of birthday presents I must have missed! That's so nice! Some perfume sludge from grit, a jewellery roll from milla and a French stick, from debra. I can't see any difference between this French stick, and an English stick, to be honest. It looks like one of those that might have been lying around in my front garden! Thanks a lot, ladies! I'll save the perfume for the next time I go to a garden party, at The Palace, I'll keep the jewellery roll at the bottom of my deepest drawer and I'll use the stick to stop my cosmos falling over, in the summer storms.
Right, there's just the hall to check out now. At least I should have plenty of cash, in my hat, on the hall table. Okay, WHERE'S MY BEST HAT?