Mean Mom's Christmas List

Warning - adult content!


Dear Santa

I'm not too late, am I? I haven't had a minute to blow my nose, over the last few days, but I suddenly remembered that I hadn't finished off my Christmas list. There are so many vital things missing from my life. I know, however, that the following items will make my happiness complete:

1. A small bottle of Fresh Drop Smell Stop can get rid of nasty smells after a visit to the smallest room in the house, apparently. My passion for late night curries would cease to be a problem, if I had a bottle of this in my possession. In fact, 5 bottles would be ideal, in case the other members of my family have forgotten to add it to their list.

2. A Black Cat Tea Towel Holder sounds like a great idea. At last, a handy place to keep my tea towel! If only my own 3 cats would keep still for a minute, it wouldn't be necessary for me to add this to my list, of course.

3. If I am lucky enough to receive the above, there is no doubt that I will also need an endless supply of QeeZee sick bags. Bags to barf in. What could be more useful? Far more convenient that the bucket I usually carry around.

4. The next item to add to my list has to be a pack of Marked Player Cards. Ideal for my late night poker sessions with my Godfather and his Family. What is that lump in my bed?

5. Next is a Pink Hip Flask. Such an improvement on the bottle I usually carry around to swig from. I only have one reservation. It won't hold much. Perhaps I could have more than one?

6. A packet of Jelly Willies would be a tremendous treat, I think. I know it's a bit of a cheeky request, so I'm afraid to say much about these, but I would just like to mention the fact that it is also possible to buy a box of chocolate ones, in case you think I deserve more than one treat, for my exemplary behaviour throughout the year.

7. Moving swiftly on to the Smoking Mitts. I don't smoke, but I'm thinking of taking it up, so that I can sport these stylish mitts, outside my local on a Saturday night.

8. The next item is a Spare Pair. At last! Has someone been reading my blog? A dream come true for many a menopausal woman!

9. Next, a Piss Off I'm Busy sign. Don't you get fed up of beating around the bush, sometimes? Say what you mean. No one will be offended - really!

10. A Builders Bottom Calendar would be wonderful, Santa. I never see enough of them. This calendar would give me the opportunity of having a new one on display every month. Wonder if there's anyone I know? Hmm........

11. Next request is the stylish Frog Hat. I certainly wouldn't limit its use to the bathroom. It would be wonderful rain apparel, I feel.

12. Last, but not least, on my list is the Glow in the Dark Tumbler.

The problem with half empty bottles, I find, is that they often roll under the bed, when I reach out for them in the early hours. It's such a waste, if I've forgotten to screw the lid back on the vodka, before slipping into a drunken stupor, the night before. A glow in the dark tumbler would be a godsend for such a situation.

That's about it, then, Santa. I do hope that I haven't given you the wrong impression. I've been very good throughout the year, with only an occasional lapse. I definitely deserve lots of presents. Don't forget to call on Christmas Eve, will you? I'll leave out your mince pie and a glass of winter warmer, plus your usual pack of 20 Silk Cut.

Now, about that money I owe you from the last poker game, could I just leave you a little on account? The credit crunch has left me a bit short.......

Lots of Love

Mean Materialistic Mom