Saturday, 29 November 2008

Mean Mom's Christmas List

Warning - adult content!

Dear Santa

I'm not too late, am I? I haven't had a minute to blow my nose, over the last few days, but I suddenly remembered that I hadn't finished off my Christmas list. There are so many vital things missing from my life. I know, however, that the following items will make my happiness complete:

1. A small bottle of Fresh Drop Smell Stop can get rid of nasty smells after a visit to the smallest room in the house, apparently. My passion for late night curries would cease to be a problem, if I had a bottle of this in my possession. In fact, 5 bottles would be ideal, in case the other members of my family have forgotten to add it to their list.

2. A Black Cat Tea Towel Holder sounds like a great idea. At last, a handy place to keep my tea towel! If only my own 3 cats would keep still for a minute, it wouldn't be necessary for me to add this to my list, of course.

3. If I am lucky enough to receive the above, there is no doubt that I will also need an endless supply of QeeZee sick bags. Bags to barf in. What could be more useful? Far more convenient that the bucket I usually carry around.

4. The next item to add to my list has to be a pack of Marked Player Cards. Ideal for my late night poker sessions with my Godfather and his Family. What is that lump in my bed?

5. Next is a Pink Hip Flask. Such an improvement on the bottle I usually carry around to swig from. I only have one reservation. It won't hold much. Perhaps I could have more than one?

6. A packet of Jelly Willies would be a tremendous treat, I think. I know it's a bit of a cheeky request, so I'm afraid to say much about these, but I would just like to mention the fact that it is also possible to buy a box of chocolate ones, in case you think I deserve more than one treat, for my exemplary behaviour throughout the year.

7. Moving swiftly on to the Smoking Mitts. I don't smoke, but I'm thinking of taking it up, so that I can sport these stylish mitts, outside my local on a Saturday night.

8. The next item is a Spare Pair. At last! Has someone been reading my blog? A dream come true for many a menopausal woman!

9. Next, a Piss Off I'm Busy sign. Don't you get fed up of beating around the bush, sometimes? Say what you mean. No one will be offended - really!

10. A Builders Bottom Calendar would be wonderful, Santa. I never see enough of them. This calendar would give me the opportunity of having a new one on display every month. Wonder if there's anyone I know? Hmm........

11. Next request is the stylish Frog Hat. I certainly wouldn't limit its use to the bathroom. It would be wonderful rain apparel, I feel.

12. Last, but not least, on my list is the Glow in the Dark Tumbler.
The problem with half empty bottles, I find, is that they often roll under the bed, when I reach out for them in the early hours. It's such a waste, if I've forgotten to screw the lid back on the vodka, before slipping into a drunken stupor, the night before. A glow in the dark tumbler would be a godsend for such a situation.

That's about it, then, Santa. I do hope that I haven't given you the wrong impression. I've been very good throughout the year, with only an occasional lapse. I definitely deserve lots of presents. Don't forget to call on Christmas Eve, will you? I'll leave out your mince pie and a glass of winter warmer, plus your usual pack of 20 Silk Cut.

Now, about that money I owe you from the last poker game, could I just leave you a little on account? The credit crunch has left me a bit short.......

Lots of Love
Mean Materialistic Mom


The Idiosyncratic Watermelon said...

I looked at every one of those items! I wanted to make sure that what I thought it was, really was what it was and then it turned out to be exactly that. That's one heck of a Christmas list. I'd totally get the wrong impression from you if I didn't know you better, although I'm sure you left off some really naughty items. I'm very uncomfortable with the builders' bottoms.

auntiegwen said...

I so want the piss off I'm busy sign, in fact I want 2, 1 for school and 1 for home and I know that if I bought the frog hat for eldest beautiful daughter she would actually wear it, a lot !

Can you believe I got my first Christmas card to day ?

Jennysmith said...

What a fantastic list! You are a person after my own heart. Bless you xxx

Maggie May said...

I think the cats bottom tea towel holder is an excellent idea! Saves the real ones a lot of pain!

Mean Mom........ you are obsessed with Christmas.......... or it might be that I am completely switched off by it this year!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

A glow in the dark bottle would be better with a glow in the dark straw hanging out of it!

A glow in the dark willy>........!

Suburbia said...

I think you should patent that builders bum catalogue, you'd make a fortune!! ;)

Rose said...

Thank you, Mean Mom. My children have been asking for ideas for my Christmas presents, and I couldn't think of anything I really needed. Now, with your permission, I might just print this list off and hand it to them. Amazingly, I don't own anything on this list!

Robin said...

Jelly Willies? Oh my!

the mother of this lot said...

Can you put me down for a pair of the smoking mittens please?

blogthatmama said...

Fantastic Mean Mom, as usual I'm laughing my head off - wouldn't mind seeing a pic of those smoking mitts, I'm thinking of taking it up again..

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Dear Mean Mom, I have sort of an award for you over at my place, can you come and get it?

Mean Mom said...

The Idiosyncratic Watermelon - This was more a Christmas list of things I don't want! I didn't dare look at all of the 'adult' items on this site. No, really. I suspected that the builders bottoms calendar was more for gay men, than women!!

auntiegwen - I knew that someone would be tempted by the piss off I'm busy sign. I do believe that you got your first Christmas card, today. I never send mine too early. It gives the impression that you have too much time on your hands. ;0)

Jennysmith - Glad you enjoyed my list. I came upon the website, when my sister-in-law asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was looking for ideas. I have sent for a couple of things from the site, but none of those on my list!

Maggie May - Oh, my poor cats! They have such a hard life. I chase them around all day, trying to tidy away my tea towels.

The shops and the media wind me up about Christmas every year. They always make me feel that I'm running out of time, but I never start preparations until December.

MOB - Of course, a glow in the dark straw! You could be on to something, there!

Now, a glow in the dark willy would also need a glow in the dark 'target', of course. Should we approach Dragons Den with some luminous cream, or something?

Suburbia - I could hardly believe my eyes, when I saw the Builders Bum calendar. It did make me laugh out loud!

Rose - You don't own anything on the list? Strangely enough, neither do I!

Mean Mom said...

Robin - Well, not lifesize, of course!

the mother of this lot - I'll wrap up a pair and put them under your Christmas tree! Try not to set your hands on fire.

blogthatmama - You should have clicked on the link to see the smoking mitts. A good idea, I must admit, but funny!

The Finely Tuned Woman - Thanks for that. Coming over!

blogthatmama said...

Gotcha! Have clicked on the link...

Mean Mom said...

blogthatmama - You didn't say whether you'd ordered any or not??