Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Seasons Greetings!

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose........ Oh, there you are! Why not turn on your speakers so that you can listen to my Christmas songs? Did I hear someone groaning on my blog?

Has anyone wished you a 'Merry Christmas', yet? Can I be the first, then?

I love Christmas, especially when it starts in September. I get so excited that I have to wear my Tenna pants day and night. Only 36 shopping days to Christmas, you know!

Have you written your Christmas cards, yet, or wrapped your presents, bought your Christmas candles, put up your Christmas tree and iced your Christmas cake? Have you slipped off the roof, yet, whilst putting up your illuminated santa and sleigh? It's worth a couple of days in hospital, though, isn't it, when you see the delight on the children's faces?

I buy my Christmas cards in the January sales and some of my Christmas presents, too. I've always got some of my presents wrapped and all of my cards written by the end of January. Have I ever mentioned that I have a Btech in one-upmanship? Anything you can start, I can start earlier.

The limit on my husband's credit card is so high, this year, that I can hardly believe my luck. I bought the remainder of my Christmas presents last month and I'm so pleased, because the post office didn't have to send a special van to deliver the Barclaycard statement, this time. It was only 999 pages long and I think we actually might manage to pay it off by September next year. That'll be a whole month earlier than this year!

I have to confess that I do have a few little gripes concerning Christmas, however:

1. I wish the Christmas stuff would appear earlier in the shops. September just isn't early enough. Perhaps it could appear in February, next year. You can never have too much of a good thing, in my opinion.

2. I haven't had a Christmas card, yet, this year! Mine had all been delivered by the end of August. Come on, everybody! What are you all doing? It is the middle of November!

3. I never get enough of those Christmas catalogues, do you? Could someone send me a few more? Preferably the same ones that I already have, but with a different cover. I can still open the front door, so I know that I don't have anywhere near enough, so far.

4. I never get enough round robins either. I always look forward to hearing about how well near strangers are doing, since they emigrated to paradise, where it rains gold coins and you can safely walk in the streets after dark. It fair warms the cockles of my heart to learn that mere acquaintances have been 'lucky enough' to finally move into the small mansion of their dreams and that their darling offspring have achieved straight 'A's in subjects that they weren't even studying. Could we perhaps have round robins at Easter, as well as Christmas? I think that I could probably just about cope with the extra joy that this would bring.

5. Finally, I'm quite disturbed to see that there are nowhere near enough tins of chocolate biscuits and Christmas sweets in the shops. I fear that there simply won't be enough to go round and that some of us will still have teeth without fillings at the end of January.

You'll be pleased to know that I've looked through all of the Christmas catalogues and compiled an enormous list of things I can no longer live without. The most important ones are:

1. A Star Wars bobble head

2. some tattoo sleeves

3. a pets' arse sharpener

4. a Darth Vader suit for my newborn

5. a drooly bib

Whichever present you decide on, could you please wrap it in expensive Christmas wrapping paper, with lots of sellotape, as those Christmas gift bags are a bit of a cop out, aren't they, really?

Anyway, must be off. Can't hang around talking to you lot forever. I'm just off to Somerfield to take advantage of their BOGOF offer on port. Two bottles for £9.99! That's one for each hand by my reckoning. I aim to save them for Christmas day and, by the time the Queen's speech comes on, I should have slipped silently under the table, with a bit of luck. I suppose that I'll probably be discovered on Boxing day, when everyone's looking for somebody to make the turkey sandwiches and hand round the pickled onions.

Now, as soon as I get back from the supermarket, I'm going to stuff the turkey and put the sprouts on. Did I mention that I've got a Btech in one-upmanship? Oh, I already did, did I?


Santa - if you're reading this, is there any chance of having a Pocket Surfer 2 for Christmas? I (really, really do) Want One Of Those!

Christmas lovers, please don't take offence at the above. It's all tongue in cheek. I do enjoy (most aspects of) Christmas - no really!


Rose said...

I'm sorry, was this tongue in cheek? Of course, all my presents are wrapped and under the tree. The cards are signed and ready to be mailed...

Oh forget it, I can't keep up this charade. I grumbled last week when I saw our town had put up the Christmas decorations on the light poles already. When a store clerk told me the other day she was already done with her Christmas shopping, I just glared at her. I usually send out a Christmas newsletter (what you call a round robin, I think), but just once I'd like to write something like "...Hubby's been off work for four weeks with a stubbed toe, but we've managed to get by with food stamps. Daughter and her husband are getting a divorce, as soon as he gets out of prison..." :)

I do love the holidays, too, Mean Mom, but I like them at the end of December!

Maggie May said...

Mean Mom....... Have you taken leave of your senses!!!!!!
I have done nothing, absolutely nothing! Now I am worried! LOL

auntiegwen said...

my friends and I have a competition to see who gets the best round robin ( we call them "showy affy" letters, that works best in as Glaswegian an accent as you can make it)

no one can top my dearest friend Susan who got one and I quote " our long awaited holiday to Australia had to be cut short after only 3 days due to my father in law dying, we didn't even get to see a kangaroo ! "

A tad self absorbed I'm sure you'll agree

but I love your very funny turn of phrase and all the sentiments expressed x

Mean Mom said...

rose - It's very tongue in cheek! I've done nothing either. I haven't bought a Christmas card or even thought about presents. I am very wicked. This post was done to shock and take your breath away! ;0)

Believe it or not - people do send out round robins as you describe! I bought my husband a humorous book last year, which was full of them. The author had asked for 'real examples' to be sent to him. Yes, some people are a bit too honest, it seems. Some people tend to exaggerate just a little, too! I occasionally send a short one, but try to make it balanced!

Mean Mom said...

maggie may - Lol! No, of course I'm not serious! I've done nothing either! I'm usually out shopping on Christmas Eve for something or other that I've forgotten. Did I get you going? Now you know why I call myself Mean Mom! Now, come on! Where's my Christmas card? ;0)

auntiegwen - I'm glad that you enjoyed it! Yes, round robins can be very 'telling' can't they? For some people they are all about showing off. We once received one from my husband's friend's wife. We had never even met her!

How very thoughtless of that lady's father in law to die whilst she was in Australia! I don't know - do these people ever listen to themselves? ;0)

Anonymous said...

I did find myself humming The First Noel walking home the other night...

Mean Mom said...

mud in the city - Christmas songs are the best part of Christmas! I love them!

Suburbia said...

OMG I had to turn the sound off this end before Husband collapsed with apperplexy (sorry can't spell )

Mum draged me to the shops AGAIN last Monday for MORE Christmas shopping and then told me all her cards were done!

Well, mine might be too if she didn't keep using up my days off ;)

Merry Christmas !

Mean Mom said...

suburbia - I haven't bought any cards yet. Perhaps your mum could do your cards? Maybe mine too?

Working mum said...

Ha ha ha! I got a bit confused by the pet's arse sharpener as I thought you used it on actual pet, but now enlightened.

My cards were bought in sales in January, but not written yet, not doubt will miss last posting dates. Have, however, found that Marie Curie (my charity of choice) do fantastic e-cards, thus saving time, labels and postage while contributing to worthy cause and may even send them on time!

Loooooove doing my tree and have pursuaded husband it needs to come out of loft next weekend - too early? I think not!

Merry Christmas!

Mean Mom said...

working mum - Lol! Do you know I've realised that I was actually serious about the pets' arse sharpeners? I WOULD like one!

I used to love putting up the tree, when I was a youngster, but I've talked youngest son into doing it for the last few years. How keen will he be now that he's 19, though?

Frog in the Field said...

A bloody good post, made me chuckle!

Grit said...


the gritlets have writ their christmas present lists large. Shark's reads...

'1. laptop. 2. pot.'

on interrogation, pot was misspelled. apparently, she means 'pet'.

Mignon said...

MMom- I totally agree that gift bags are a cop-out. And I did also buy my cards at the after Christmas sale last year. BUT, now I can't find them. Big surprise. My gifts will be cheap, I mean less expensive this year. Love you post. Peace

Robin said...

OOOH, Santa, I would like a Pocket Surfer too! But the pencil sharpener was a bit frightening.

Frances said...

Hah! I loved it.
I think we have Easter Eggs in the shops here too, just in case anyone feels a bit Bunnyish, what with Spring flowers appearing.... and to cheer us up after our Hot Cross Buns.
That said, I haven't written my International Christmas Cards so I will miss the cheap postage - again. and probably end up intending to send New Year's cards instead as it's so late... and then giving up.

Mean Mom said...

Frog - Thanks! I know that some of us are a bit fed up at the moment. I hoped that I might cheer someone up!

Grit - Oooh! I felt a bit pale, when I read about Shark's Christmas list. I hope that one of you is joking. Don't you wish that you hadn't queried the 'pot', now? It would have been easier to look after than a pet. You could do a whole post about 'pots' versus 'pets'!

Mignon - I once bought my cards in the sales, too. It just wasn't the same! I know exactly what you mean about buying 'less expensive' gifts. Same here!

Robin - Yes, we can dream. Aaah! I could blog, even when I go to visit my parents for a few days.

Frances - Thanks! No! What? Really? Easter eggs? Oh, I don't know whether you're winding me up, or not! Nothing would surprise me.

Fire Byrd said...

Oh dear then me getting excited in the Christmas shop at Chatsworth last weekend, when I brought myself an advent calender is a bit passe then?
Oh well does loathing New Year count?

Mean Mom said...

Fire Byrd - Now, I wouldn't want to spoil anyone's enjoyment of anything! (Well, as long as it's not against the law, of course.)

I'm not keen on New Year. I find it a bit 'hollow', somehow.

Jennysmith said...

However did i miss this? What a fabulous post. And really got me in the mood for Christmas.

don't don't get one of those cat's arse pencil sharpeners! They really make you cringe!!! It is in the cupboard barely used from last year. Will give it a discreet burial.

i love christmas too! desperate to send out my christmas cards!

Mean Mom said...

Jennysmith - Thanks! OK, you've put me off the pencil sharpener, now.

Strangely enough, making up this post put me in more of a Christmas mood, too. It's probably the songs. I do like Christmassy songs!

Milla said...

I personally can't wait. in all seriousness. what's to dislike? days off work, dossing on the sofa reading, a paw dipping into one of plenty boxes o'chocs. Yumtastic. Plus it means the boy's birthday party will be over, enough to put even an old scrooge in a good mood. Steady on the port.

Mean Mom said...

Milla - I wish my day was still as straightforward as that, but I have elderly parents in the Midlands and a grown up family, who have their own ideas about who is doing lunch and where it's going to be. One son's girlfriend is also disliked by the other 2 sons, which makes things difficult.

I find that an awful lot of preparation has to go into one day's holiday. The day is usually OK, but the preparation is often horrendous! It was worse when I had 3 part time jobs, though!

Christmas is the only time I drink!

blogthatmama said...

Mean Mom, I can't believe you haven't had a Christmas card from the Royal Mail, you must be a good customer!? We've had one for a week now. Of course I never do a round robin as my children never pass anything, although they are edging closer to achieving a place in a highly regarded Young Offender's Institute. Happy Xmas!!!! Blogthatmamax

Mean Mom said...

blogthatmama - Yes, I see what you mean. I'm sure that I would do a round robin every year, if I could just think of something to brag about!

The Boisterous Butterfly said...

I do love you, Mean Mom. I'm only sending some Christmas cards this year. That's it for me. No jolly holly at my house. No kissing under the mistletoe. I'll be glad when it is over so we can work towards springtime and Easter. I'll boil myself an egg then.

Mean Mom said...

The Boisterous Butterfly - And I love you too, of course! I am sending cards. There will be some presents, but we don't have much money available, so we are 'cutting down', so to speak.

Mistletoe should be banned! It only leads to problems in the long run!

Swearing Mother said...

Laughed, laughed, laughed. You sure know how to cheer a miserable woman up.

Bless you.


Mean Mom said...

swearing mother - Woohoo! So glad I managed to cheer you up a bit. This wasn't the post, that I dedicated to you, though. I haven't been able to publish it yet, because of problems with blogger and Orange!

Liz said...

We've had a Christmas card! Na na na na nah!

Actually Husband opened it on my birthday by mistake.

Mean Mom said...

Liz - No! You've outdone me! What a blow!

Dusty Spider said...

Just one question - Why would your pet want its arse sharpened? By the way, I've had my sprouts on since September. Flick xx

Mean Mom said...

Dusty spider - LOL! I'm not at all sure about that one.

You started your sprouts before me? Have you studied oneupmanship, too?